I just read your posts and can say that I think I know what you mean. I loathe my depression and am embarrassed that I have it, yet there is a part of me that would not know what to do without it.....It is not that I want to stay depressed, I just don't know another way to be. I have come to realize that I have likely been depressed since I was very young, I don't really know a world without it. I don't really know what makes me the way I am, it has gotten worse with age and experiences. I can't really point to a defining moment that I can say "Aha, there's where it started". I have always been somewhat "melancholy" and reflective.
I cling to a certain level of depression like the abused will cling to an abuser...because it is what I know. I would guess that it is the same for you.
I've been casting an eye on my various posts and thinking back over the counselling and therapy I have had, and I realise that I've been quite assertively defensive of my depression as if it is my friend. I seem to cling to it, almost treasure the notion of myself as a depressed person as if it makes me something special.
Do any other members feel that they do the same thing, or have any insights into this?
