This is hard to say/write "out loud"... There is something missing here.
A lot of work has been put into this site. Tools for tracking. Education. Professionals to help, challenge, and encourage. When I last worked this program, I saw amazing changes not only in the program presentation but in the members participating. And, most importantly to me, changes in myself, in my behavior, and in my thinking.
"Suffering" another bout of depression... I came back, hoping for a quick pick me up. Well, there has been nothing quick about it. The very same program is in place. The very same "issues" are at work within me. The same Health Educators are here to help.
And yet... it's a different space now. It feels abandoned. I feel abandoned. HE don't check in as often as they used to. While new members continue to sign in, visitors come to peruse, and old members drop by from time to time... not many seem able to participate in the forums... in the discussions.
Without group participation... this site falls flat. Granted, it is my responsibility and my responsibility alone to take care of my own mental health. It's hard though right now... to maintain a positive attitude. My T is away. My husband is on a trip. I have totally isolated myself in real life.
Kind of dumb I guess to expect an online community to just be there for me when I'm feeling alone and abandoned. I can hear the depression talking here. Can you? Maybe I should go away and just come back when I am feeling better. But... then... what would be the point? The motivation to "do" the program is the desperate desire to get out of the pain... or the dark... or the total numbness that descends.
I'm not sure what the challenge is for me this time around. It's not yet entirely clear. I know that partly it is to be honest with myself about what I'm feeling ... without judgement and without condemnation. Perhaps in the quiet... I will be forced to expand my own sense of capability. Or is that culpability?
