If you read my post from Monday, you'd know I was at war with the Nicodemon. Barely coping one minute, I bounced back thinking I had it all together.....then hiccup.
It felt like someone was in possession of my body and my soul. I was in pain and I felt like I could no longer fight. I just didn't have the strength. I could not cope and I felt terrible.
I bought a pack of smokes, and as I was opening them, tears dripped on the package. "Don't do it", I said "You've already done it" he/she said. "It won't make you feel better", I said. "You won't know unless you try", he/she said. So I did it. I lit the cigarette. After two drags he/she was gone. But I felt worse. I was more nauseated than I already was, more dizzy than I already was. But that monkey was gone.
Two more drags and I threw it out the window along with the pack.
NO F*****G WAY.
What I realized later, after being completely immobilized for 8 hours by nausea & vomiting, that I was suffering from the stomach flu.
I have spent many hours in bed the last two days, too weak to do anything but think about what happened and what went wrong.
During this quit, I have not replaced smoking with anything. No straws, no candies, no gum, no food. Maybe a few showers here and there. For the most part, all I have done is think, think, think. I have not really be challenged or tested until Sunday/Monday and I came to the conclusion I really don't have any replacements to cope with anger and anxiety.
I have been waiting for the time in my quit when I could feel comfortable letting the focus go for a bit. To think about something else for awhile. Well I guess I know what I have to think about now. Anger Management skills and Anxiety Management skills. I still have triggers constantly throughout the day, but they are just fleeting thoughts - 5 seconds or less. But it is these emotional triggers that I have trouble with. Reading and learning about how to cope with these is what I must do.
I am calling this a hiccup instead of a slip because I don't believe I was in my right mind at the time. Also, I know that reseting my meter at this point would probably do me more harm than good. If I'm going to reset my meter, I want more than a few drags to make it worth that. Honest quit
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Quit Meter
$331,863.68
Amount Saved
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Quit Meter
Days: 6053
Hours: 12
Minutes: 0
Seconds: 15
Life Gained
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Quit Meter
45617
Smoke Free Days
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Quit Meter
684,255
Cigarettes Not Smoked