To all who responded... thank you for your insights. It's reassuring knowing that even though it feels like it, I'm not forging uncharted terrain. I've got company, virtually speaking. And I like that... Butterflyswimmer - thank you kindly for taking the time. I don't know who wrote more, me or you. Certainly not boring, I appreciate your perspective. And best wishes with your new life. And congrats on the big 100 today - enjoy the sand in your toes. Butterfly on out and take a swim with the dolphins... Josie - thanks for your encouragement and all you do here. I appreciate it. Redrosie - nice to meet you, too. You are correct change is unsettling, but I guess that's the point. You have to shake it up a bit to get back on track. Golferman - thanks for your advice - link by link, I'll keep walking and I look forward to the next hole, beautiful par 5 with a big arching dogleg right - water on the left. Plays perfectly to my natural fade... Lady - thank you for sharing. I can definitely relate to the[i]many days and nights in tears. [/i] I'm anxious to meet the new me. I don't want to rush anything, though. Vicki - you hit the nail on the head. Growing up and taking back my destiny is exactly the process I am trying to be faithful to. Thanks for your words. Stoppin' - thanks for the encouragement. Hot, non-smoking, runner chick sounds good to me... [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 12/21/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 46 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,390 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $230 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 5 [B]Hrs:[/B] 23 [B]Mins:[/B] 49 [B]Seconds:[/B] 59

Some of you may have seen some of my posts, maybe not. Let me get the formalities out of the way. This is a bit of an impersonal way to discuss serious issues. So, I'd like to make it a bit more personal... My name is Todd. Sometimes I go by stu but, mostly, fish. You can call me what you like, just don't call me to the smoke break anymore. My concern is that I really have no desire to smoke, but I'm pretty low because I quit right during a break up with the girl I thought I might be marrying. Now I'm concerned I might attribute the bad feelings and suffering to that and forget how miserable smoking made me. The control the weed had on my life, my self-image, my confidence, my self-esteem. I am ashamed of myself for smoking for so long. I worry I might forget about how horribly I hated cigarettes, how I smoked when I was sick, how I smoked to smoke over every emotion I had, how I smoked to avoid feeling, to avoid living. I was afraid to not smoke, afraid of seeing myself for who I am, afraid to discover my path. As I write this, it makes no sense. This is what smoking did to me. I started when I was 11 or 12 and in some ways I feel as though I've regressed back to that age emotionally. I've renounced smoking, but I'm kicking and screaming because I [i]did[/i], simultaneously, lose my best friend. I'm reaching out. I'm taking yoga. I'm talking with a counselor. I'm training for a 10k - running ~20+ miles a week. I'm spending more time with my family and friends. I'm reading self-help and inspirational materials. I come to this website nearly every day. All of these things help and I'm learning about my self. I think that is a big key to success here - to know one's self. Sometimes, I feel pretty happy, but mostly I feel a great loss. I want to rejoice in the fact that I'm not smoking because I am proud, but I worry that I'll rejoice prematurely and get ahead of myself and think I have everything under control and I'll let my guard down and I'll fall on my face. I've done this before and I don't want to repeat the mistake. I want to succeed. I want to be able to sever the umbilical cord someday and walk on my own, confidently. I was running this morning and it was raining pretty hard and I wasn't feeling so well. Occas

Hi Todd, nice to meet ya. I wasn't bored at all! You seem like you are going through a lot of changes at the same time. Change can be a very difficult thing to go through. We humans tend to be creatures of habit. We feel safe and secure knowing our daily routines and surroundings will always be the same. You have really shook up both those things. It is no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed right now. But changes are also good. It makes life new and exciting. It makes us better, stronger people. It may not seem that way now, but when you get on the other side of this, you will see it too. That is my hope for you. Good luck on your running. I admire your strength and determination. [IMG]http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e58/saggysac/wave.gif[/IMG] [color=Red]redrosie[/color] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/1/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 34 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 837 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $282.2 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 9 [B]Mins:[/B] 34 [B]Seconds:[/B] 19

Hey Fish Can I give you a little feedback as a non smoker and an alcoholic whose been sober going on 6 yrs. now? When I first quit drinking I too wondered how long it would be before I would really think of myself as a nondrinker. At first it was so hard to get through each day, then it was each week and then it was each month. Before I knew it, years had passed and I had stopped thinking about it. I don't know when that happened, I just know it did. Like cigarettes, alcohol is legal and is always attainable, so there comes a time in your life when you just realize that you've grown up and taken back control of your destiny. I'm not sure how this all works, but it does. Have faith that as you go along in your quit, your mind set will change. I promise you that it will get better. Keep your quit. vicki just 1 puff away from 2 packs a day [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 10/17/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 111 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 4,450 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $777 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 15 [B]Hrs:[/B] 3 [B]Mins:[/B] 13 [B]Seconds:[/B] 55

Fish...from this newbies point of view you pretty much have the outlook everyone is saying us NON smokers need...so, here is the way I see it... Drive to a new place to run and keep your eyes up...you never now what "hot" "non-smoking" "runner,chick" you might see!!!! Besides building your new self confident,centered, happy and healthy for you---you are creating this for the new love of your life too and I know she is just around the next corner...waiting to appreciate a good person [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/26/2006 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 10 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 206 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $35.9 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 1 [B]Hrs:[/B] 0 [B]Mins:[/B] 4 [B]Seconds:[/B] 30

Hi Fish. I can really relate to your story. I too hid all my emotions behind cigarettes and never faced a lot of issues that had evolved over the years. Quitting meant that I could no longer hide and the farther I got in my quit the more I had to deal with issues of the past. It was really a heart wrenching process for me and I almost didn't make it a few times. I spent many days and nights in tears. The physical withdrawl was difficult but honestly it is pretty short lived. The mental and emotional issues were the hardest part of quitting for me and I still struggle from time to time. However at this stage of my quit, I don't really think it's the quitting. I think it's more like learning how to deal with life without that best friend that died a little over seven months ago (the smokes). Hang in there Fish. There is freedom on the other side of all the suffering you are going through right now. Keep doing what you are doing because it sounds like you are really working a plan with your relationships and self-help books. I am not the same person I was when I smoked. Guess what? That is really a relief. I am really begining to like the new me a lot more than I did the old me. No Smoking Allowed! [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 7/1/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 218 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 4,378 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $763 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 19 [B]Hrs:[/B] 6 [B]Mins:[/B] 59 [B]Seconds:[/B] 0

Fish, That was a very insightful post! And yes, I finished the whole thing, so what does that say about me? ;p Yes, I am pretty bored, but I guess that's a good thing, since I can try to help you out a bit, and if I weren't bored, I might not. :) I think you understand your addiction pretty well. "The control the weed had on my life, my self-image, my confidence, my self-esteem. I am ashamed of myself for smoking for so long. I worry I might forget about how horribly I hated cigarettes, how I smoked when I was sick, how I smoked to smoke over every emotion I had, how I smoked to avoid feeling, to avoid living. I was afraid to not smoke, afraid of seeing myself for who I am, afraid to discover my path." I don't think you're going to forget how much you hated to smoke... you seem to have a clear sense of it now. If you're worried about forgetting, copy/paste this post that you made into a quit diary (if you don't already have one started, I HIGHLY recommend it). When you feel your desire sliding a bit, read that. You obviously want to quit and I don't think you will lose that desire. I can tell you that over the course of many months, my desire to stay quit has fluctuated, but as soon as I started to feel comfortable in my quit on a regular basis... I had various times of feeling comfortable, but they didn't always last, so when I started feeling comfortable more often than I was not comfortable, that was when my desire to quit sky rocketed. So I really don't think that you will start to not want your quit, but if you do, go back and read your reasons for quitting (again, if you don't have those written down, I highly suggest it) and read this post to give yourself a glimpse of the desire that you have right now. As for associating quitting with bad experiences, I'm going to tell you a story... within a month of quitting, I dislocated my shoulder, lost my job, got assaulted by my roommate at the time, lost about 95% of the friends that I had at the time, moved 200 miles away, and started school all over again. My life changed drastically after quitting, and a lot of it was pretty bad, but I don't really associate that with quitting. What I DO associate with quitting is life transformation. After I quit, my whole life completely changed and

fish, Congrats on your quit! You know all about the addiction part so I won't ramble about that. The deal with beating an addiction is knowing that you will forever be in recovery from it. I realize that sounds a bit nasty, but it's a good thing.. really. We have all been in that funk that you find yourself.. ok, most of have. Perspective is everything. Instead of waiting for one special moment when you are "forever free" of this addiction, simply live your life knowing you have beaten your addiction and are now on maintenance from it. Recovery. We, as recovering addicts, live with our addictions but are no longer controlled by them. That is the difference between being quit and still being a smoker. At 45 days you have a lifetime in front of you of being quit. You can't expect to be free and clean from smoking, something you have done for years and years in this amount of time. Give yourself a break. Take it like you did your running, a step at a time. It will take care of itself. Don't look too far ahead. You are doing just fine. Live your life. [b][color=Purple]Be Strong. Be Smart. Be Quit[/color] [color=black]Joe[/color] [size=3][color=Blue]Knowledge Replaces Fear[/color][/size] [size=2][color=black]Illegitimus non carborundum est[/color][/size][/b] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 5/15/2005 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 265 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 6,647 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $649.25 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 46 [B]Hrs:[/B] 12 [B]Mins:[/B] 46 [B]Seconds:[/B] 17

Fish, Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have an eloquent way with words. You seem to be on the right track rather than off it. I commend you on the concentration on yourself and bettering the already great you. You are correct, you need to take it step by step. Check with your doctor to rule out any medical conditions, such as Depression, that may be causing these feelings. This is one of the symptoms when you quit. If want more information please go to [url=http://www.depressioncenter.net]www.depressioncenter.net[/url]. You can take the Depression test to help better assess the situation and give it to your doctor for assessment. If you fall, you will get right back up! 45 days is amazing and you need to know that this is a great accomplishment. You are doing awesome, and everything will fall into place in time. You will walk on your own. Please come here often and let us know how you are doing, we are always here. Josie ______________________ The SSC Support Team.