Well, this past year has been quite an experience on many levels. At one point my wife referred to the changes I�ve been through as an awakening. For so many years, I now realize, I basically lived to smoke. Nothing appealed to me as much as the next cig. There were many aspects of me that were suppressed because, I presume, they would have interfered with the addiction. None of this was conscious or even noticed at the time, but it was so very real. As the addiction receded (or was violently shoved) into the background, these aspects emerged. It was not always a gentle or enjoyable process, but then most births aren�t.
I've called it a fragmentation. I used to know exactly who I was, what I stood for, what I believed, and the things I liked or disliked. Now my personal definition has been stood on its ear by the aforementioned awakening. I�ve lost interest in some things I used to feel strongly for because they�ve been replaced by other things that used to not be important. I must say, though, I do not regret any of these changes. I miss and mourn for nothing lost, yet I rejoice in all those things found. The change isn�t over yet, either. I wouldn�t be surprised if it continues for another year, maybe longer. After stagnating for 39 years as the slave of an addiction, I expect it will take a while for the real me to completely emerge and coalesce.
What I�m talking about isn�t so much the physical separation from nicotine, but the psychological and emotional changes. When we get hooked on any addiction, we stop developing emotionally because we turn to the addiction for comfort in times of stress. That is the basic nature of addiction, to rule every part of our lives. I would love to see studies done on the age of onset of addiction vs. the difficulty of breaking it. Do people who are addicted later in life have an easier time of breaking it because they experienced more emotional development before the addiction took over?
I�m still dealing with stress and anger management issues; still haven�t figured out how to cope in some situations without a cig. I used to think the break was the important thing, not the cig. I no longer believe that because smokeless breaks haven�t really done what smoking breaks used to. It seems to me
