... well not exactly. I came across this today...
'I used to be a fully paid up tab merchant, a properly accomplished burner of the weed. But now I'm not - and looking back it's weird trying to work out why smoking ever seemed attractive. What glamourises and sanitises a habit that in reality falls somewhere between self-harm and junk-ism? I've decided it's all about public relations. Not for the industry, but for the cigarettes themselves. Smoking has the most powerful PR there is. You never actually meet the addiction face to face, you only get to see it's publicist. And she's ever so nice. Charming, sexy, excellent company. She explains that cigarettes ease stress and help you think better. "Go on darling" she whispers, "light up. You know how it sharpens that brain of yours. It'll soooo help the situation."
She also, thoughtfully, reminds you to smoke after good food or good sex. "Oh that was a smashing bit of sea bass, wasn't it? Let's round it off with one of those lovely Bensons, that'd be real indulgence." Or, "Wow, you're an athlete. You deserve a cigarette for your endeavours. Stop sweating and light one up for me you beast!"
And the meddlesome beast insists that you cannot drink alcohol if you don't have a cig on the go. "Pinot Noir just tastes too wet and winey without a ciggie - so be a good boy and spark up."
Every so often, even the most hardened puff artist will ask their PR if they will ever quit. She will sit them down and say patiently and in a soothing voice "now we have been through all this before darling. Of course we are going to give up. It is just that right now we have got an awful lot on our plates and to be honest, a couple more teensy weensy puffs really wont make any difference now will they?".
My PR even got me hooked on expensive lighters as an accessory to my habit. "It makes such a good impression darling" she drawled. "It really is the mark of a gentleman".
The worst thing is, she knows when you are at your weakest and most vulnerable, and makes her sales pitch accordingly. Her most low down manoeuvre was when I was at a funeral. I'd kicked the addiction for 3 months, but a the wake the PR uncurled from her coma and started feeding me lines. "it is good to cry you know, let this out. Here, let me hel