Hello Kingsford,
Thanks for your reply.
Yes, over the years I ended up confronting my Mum a few times, with a lot of anger and pain, because I felt she didn't realise the effect of forcing me to keep secrets and how destructive that had been for me. In fact, when I had my own children (the first when I was 28), I found to my dismay that all these feelings seemed to come to the fore and I found being around my parents churned me up a lot.
But the confrontations were not, in the end, positive. I realise now that my Mum couldn't cope with criticism from me, her much loved daughter, and she would lash back at me, so there was just more pain all round. I found the situation, of feeling angry with her (them both I suppose) upsetting, and could only deal with it by keeping my distance: I just found myself lowered and weak after contact with them so avoided it as much as I could.
This situation carried on for years, including all the years I was raising my daughters, so they didn't become close to their grandparents. Then, last year, both my parents had health problems, and it came home to me how frail they now are and how I might lose them soon. Suddenly I felt protective towards them and found it possible to remember all the love and care they gave me as a child, and to make a decision to put aside negative memories and make the most of the time we have left.
But up til that time I didn't feel able to do this, so I'm not saying you or anyone should. But I am grateful to have the opportunity to spend happy times with them now: I could have lost her before being able to be loving and I can imagine how distraught I would have felt, if I had had this change of heart too late....
Painful words have been exchanged over the years, on both sides, but, happily, we seem to have a tacit agreement to move on from that now. And now I ask myself how come it took so long for me to really understand that my Mum and Dad are imperfect human beings, just like me, and they did their best, just like me...only life throws up some difficult stuff, and we each respond according to our personalities, understanding, and experience.... And we all get it wrong sometimes, even when our intentions are good. My Mum was trying to deal with difficult circumstances in the only way