Hi Serajo, Welcome!!!

Hi Sarajo and Jamie, I've been confronting some major hangups in my life lately. I think some of it has to do with reading your posts, so I thank you for that. I'm still apprehensive as to what will change for the better but I hope any change will be a positive one. For the first time in my life I called my father, I plan on meeting him. Hearing his voice brought me a warmth I never thought was possible. In hopes to relate my situation with what you guys are going through, I'm going to state a possible circumstance that may be the reason we can not let go of the "weight". Have we ever felt our relationship with our parents went beyond that of a mother/father and child. Did our parents ever really share with us on a level that we could grow from. Did they hide the lessons or circumstances that they were ashamed of or felt we could never understand? Did we ever approach them in a manner that didn't fault them for there choices but purely to understand so that we may not make the same decisions?

Hello Jamie! Nice to be in touch with you. Glad you got my message after your night-time post. Thanks for your latest post, I was interested to read your story. I can understand how hard it is to cope with the difficult relationship with your parents: it is really a challenge to try to get on with life in a positive way when that relationship isn't comfortable or "right", isn't it? And it seems to have an affect on so many areas of our lives, and on our confidence: I am aware that it has influenced my own parenting of my children, and I'm trying hard to avoid doing to them the things that my parents, unwittingly, did to me! But I've no doubt I'll make my own mistakes...! No such thing as a perfect world or a perfect person (I have to keep reminding myself of this, to take the pressure off when I get stressed about not doing things right, at work or home)and I suppose we shouldn't expect ourselves, our parents or our children to get everything right.... Having said all that I DO feel under pressure all the time! But "talking" to you Jamie, and all of you on this site, really is helping, because I'm reminded that there's loads of us feeling overwhelmed out there. I wonder, is this more common nowadays when we live at such a fast pace, and feel like we've got to be good at everything!? Did our grandmothers feel like this? Actually I suppose many of them were coping with different stresses, like poverty, too many children, dominating husbands and no career, etc....they didn't have a picnic either! Jamie, I do relate to what you said about how in your profession you're "not allowed" to show that you're under stress, etc. As a teacher (especially in recent years in the UK, when Primary teachers have had endless new initiatives to put into practice, with little or no time to fully absorb them, and so much extra work involved that many of us can barely cope), I do wonder how the children's parents see us: they seem to expect us to be super-human and be able to handle anything and everything, and never make a single mistake! If the slightest thing is forgotten or overlooked, they are immediately complaining...I don't suppose they have any idea of just how hard we have to work and how exhausted we get, but nevertheless keep trying our very best to do th

Hi Sarajo, You responded to my "cry for help" at a 2:30 am crisis time for me. Although I found my self unable to stay sitting at the computer very long because I was in an active Anxiety Attack at the time which makes me feel like I have to keep physically moving or I'd go crazy. It seems that many of us have much of the same concerns/ emotional backgrounds? I too become so frustrated by my parents who seem to bounce through lives in denial; as if they live in their own little reality not seeing the truth. My husband says that they [u]need[/u] to not see the truth for them to stay sane and not implode. Although I understand their defense mechanisms, I still, maybe selfishly, feel this overwhelming urgency for them to just say "Yes, we messed up. We attempted to squash your individuality as you grew up. Yes, we are too judgemental. Yes, we were too heavy handed in our punishments." Just recently they actually told me that I was crazy because I tried to talk to them about my acceptance of being spanked, slapped, struck with the belt as the past and just he past. It's very hard to forgive and forget, when the person you are forgiving says to you... Dad speaking..."You must be crazy,... I think you have always just had such a strong imagination that you thought we hit you.... (Addressing Mom know he says... "Do ever remember hitting her?" And Mom says "Never." That was the biggest set back in my 4 years of self help and 2 years of therapy. And think that is my one obstacle that I can not climb or break through.. Even though I know that I am me. I find myself attempting to reinforce constantly the realization that .... I am not an extension of my parents. That I am an individual. Yes I have their chormosones and I love them very much. But I do not have to be accepted by them or even have their reality accept mine. I need to give that up. It can't continue to be my goal for recovery because it shouldn't even be on my path but it is so hard because they are my parents and I do love them I do have a responibilty to them . I guess that I just have to realize that their acceptance is not one of my responsibilities and I am me and O.K. without it. For years, I have replaced supervisors, husband, anyone I met who was older or in a more authoritive positio

I totally appreciate your input, regardless of how our circumstances may vary. I'm going to let all of what you said soak in for awhile. Thank you for your time.

Hello Kingsford, Thanks for your reply. Yes, over the years I ended up confronting my Mum a few times, with a lot of anger and pain, because I felt she didn't realise the effect of forcing me to keep secrets and how destructive that had been for me. In fact, when I had my own children (the first when I was 28), I found to my dismay that all these feelings seemed to come to the fore and I found being around my parents churned me up a lot. But the confrontations were not, in the end, positive. I realise now that my Mum couldn't cope with criticism from me, her much loved daughter, and she would lash back at me, so there was just more pain all round. I found the situation, of feeling angry with her (them both I suppose) upsetting, and could only deal with it by keeping my distance: I just found myself lowered and weak after contact with them so avoided it as much as I could. This situation carried on for years, including all the years I was raising my daughters, so they didn't become close to their grandparents. Then, last year, both my parents had health problems, and it came home to me how frail they now are and how I might lose them soon. Suddenly I felt protective towards them and found it possible to remember all the love and care they gave me as a child, and to make a decision to put aside negative memories and make the most of the time we have left. But up til that time I didn't feel able to do this, so I'm not saying you or anyone should. But I am grateful to have the opportunity to spend happy times with them now: I could have lost her before being able to be loving and I can imagine how distraught I would have felt, if I had had this change of heart too late.... Painful words have been exchanged over the years, on both sides, but, happily, we seem to have a tacit agreement to move on from that now. And now I ask myself how come it took so long for me to really understand that my Mum and Dad are imperfect human beings, just like me, and they did their best, just like me...only life throws up some difficult stuff, and we each respond according to our personalities, understanding, and experience.... And we all get it wrong sometimes, even when our intentions are good. My Mum was trying to deal with difficult circumstances in the only way

Hi Sarajo, I'm 28, three pops, a lot of secrecy within the family (more like ignoring there's anything wrong). For about 10 years I've been trying to "let go" of any disapointment or anger, I'm far from confrontational. My boyfriend thinks I should state how I feel to my stepdad. I hesitate because I don't want to stir anything up and my folks are so old, I don't want them to be sad. Have you ever stood up to your folks and your disrespect towards what they put you through?

Hello Anne-Marie, Thanks for replying so quickly. Your comments were really helpful; I do appreciate that the site is intended for people trying to move forward, and encourage each other, and want to be part of that. As for the "unloading", thanks for being OK about it: I've felt better and more positive all afternoon, just froms having communicated it to someone! I find that seems to be an unavoidable part of overcoming any negative stuff: maybe I need to hit rock bottom and admit it before I can start to bounce back and tackle it positively. Thanks for the thoughts on "own limitations" too: I so recognise what you're saying; I do turn in circles and pen myself in, and yes, I guess refusing to consider treatment might be cowardly! I am considering counselling if I can organise it: though it's a scary thought: I'm afraid of someone kind of telling me off and telling me to snap out of it, which might leave me feeling worse! I agree I do have to be proactive about finding ways out of the mindset/situation. My husband is nothing if not a stayer, and insists we keep on trying.... I will explore all the things on the site, and am already finding some of the other people's stories and comments inspirational (thanks, all!). Thanks for providing a space to be honest about these things: so helpful to admit such vulnerabilities in a safe place. I'll think some more about what you've said, and stay in touch. Sarajo.

Hi Sarajo. I replied to you in the other thread, but want to be sure you see my welcome to you! Sometimes when people land here, they 'unload' their situation. That's perfectly fine, providing they realize that this site is here to help people 'get out of that awful place' to one that is better. The novelist Richard Back wrote, "Argue for your limitations...sure enough they are yours." Sometimes we have to re-examine our mindset, see things in a different way. By this I mean that your post seems closed on getting treatment. And have you considered that you seem to be giving arguments for remaining stuck in that unpleasant mind place? But I'm most happy to be corrected if I'm wrong. I certainly don't mean to be hard on you. I understand that for some people, divulging one's medical or mental difficulties is one huge step and it can seem futile. Would your job demand that divulging? One has to look at the picture though and see if one wants to continue to live this way or get out of that funk. There are other choices and other jobs out there and sometimes one has to keep looking to find one that's different or better. A teaching background can be applied to so many things, for instance companies with internal employee programs. If you feel your problems are more depression related than panic, perhaps you'd like to visit our brand new sister site, www.depressioncenter.net Please feel welcome to explore our site and the materials and tools provided. They're all free.

Hello to everyone, hope there's someone around right now who will reply: I'm feeling a bit lonely! I wrote back to "Susan", but see that she posted her message some time ago so maybe isn't around now. I think I may have had some level of depression since teenage problems many years ago (I'm in my 40s now). My Mum and Dad had marriage problems and there was a horrible burden of secrecy which I found very uncomfortable then. I wasn't able to trust my (future) husband until I'd talked and cried through loads of insecurities about betrayal etc, and though we had a lovely relationship then, once babies arrived he felt he'd lost me, and ever since (14 years) we've struggled: I feel very unhappy and so does he, especially as I rarely want intimate relations: this problem has worsened over time and our "good patches" seem shorter and less real with each passing year. But the problem is so confusing: in my mind I am struggling to survive, with a very stressful job (which I am afraid to give up because then I'll be even lonelier and lose even more self-esteem...plus of course the money is needed) and with no real friends at hand since moving away for my husband's job. I try to be positive and have to muster my courage for every day at work; but when I make some progress back towards confidence and positive control of my life, we seem to have yet another marital crisis and I'm brought low again. He also says he can barely keep going, so the emotional pain is considerable all round. Somehow we have kept going, doing well (to outside appearances but with enormous internal stress, for me at least) with our challenging jobs and with our lovely daughters (who we both delight in and who prevent us from splitting up as neither of us could bear to live apart from them or put them through a home break-up), but the years of intermittent misery and disappointment and stress have taken their toll and I now have some classic symptoms of depression and panic....chest pains, pounding heart, shakiness, feelings that I will dissolve into helpless tears at inappropriate moments (like when I'm teaching a full class of children!) and difficulties in sleeping. I dread those black times of lying awake, with anxieties and sorrows swirling relentlessly round and round....so