Lady,
I know this is difficult, but you've GOT to quit blaming yourself for what happened! You said "These stupid emotions are what blew everything to begin with!" God gave us emotions for a reason. He doesn't want us to be cold, bitter, mean people. He wants us to love, show compassion and experience true feelings. You can't experience those feelings if you're trapped in your self-made fortress that you are trying to build back up. You can't experience true happiness without first knowing what it's like to not be happy. You can't experience true love without knowing what love is not. I still believe that the trials that you are going through are God's way of bringing you into His true love.
That wall you had up before... it's not there anymore and it can't be rebuilt. I know that I've wanted to shelter myself off from everybody and everything as well, but the fact is that we can't. You're not that same person you were when you had that wall up. You've changed... for the better, I might add. That wall was actually made of smoke. And yet it kept others out just fine. But it doesn't belong in your life anymore. It has no purpose. It will only destroy you.
You have friends who care about you who don't want you to build that wall back up. I think we've ALL been inside a wall like that at one time or another, and while it might SEEM like a good place right now, once you get in there, you will find that it's a very lonely place; a very desolate place. That's no way to live and you know it! Put the brick down and come join us.
Crave the Quit!
Pam
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 6/17/2005
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 647
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 16,186
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $2672.11
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 46 [B]Hrs:[/B] 2 [B]Mins:[/B] 7 [B]Seconds:[/B] 10