I usually don't "go there" - to that place inside that we all have and protect but tonight for some reason I really feel like sharing. This one is more for me than anything - my last one week reward, but the one that means the most.
I lost my biological father 22 years ago in October. I identify him as "biological" because he didn't raise me and we weren't that close until the end. But the end is what matters. My secret demon that I have carried with me since then is that I still smoked after I saw the way he died. It wasn't the cancer or the pain he suffered (although that was bad) - it was the smoking I remember. He smoked 3 packs a day forEVER - When he entered the hospital for the last time the doctor finally quit arguing about his smoking - what was the point, it wouldn't be long anyway. So near the end, when he couldn't get out of bed to have a cigarette and couldn't talk, he would put his fingers to his lips and the nurses would turn the oxygen off and light a cigarette for him - just so he could get his "fix".
The fact that I SAW that and it made me physically ill and yet I still started smoking and kept doing it is how I know that nicotine is one powerful force. The fact that I acknowledge my shame in continuing to smoke and forgive myself is how I know I HAVE QUIT! If we all close our eyes for just one second and put that image in your mind... well, N.O.P.E. seems pretty easy.
Thanks - promise to not be such a downer, this has just been eating at me all day.
:(
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]8/18/2007
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 7
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 140
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $31.50
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 0 [B]Hrs:[/B] 17 [B]Mins:[/B] 58 [B]Seconds:[/B] 50