The sky is slate grey and the wind is moving across the land like a freight train flying through the night. My vegetable garden, bereft of its summer color and life giving intensity, is quietly sleeping beneath a blanket of snow. In some ways I am asleep too. My body moves a bit slower against the cold, my bones know all to well that the sun has gone away and my extremities remind me that it takes extra time now for my blood to reach its appointed destination. Winter can be the hardest of times.
The only bit of me that is fully awake is my mind as it surveys the scene. It surely understands the necessity of the season, it knows full well that desolation leads to renewal, that hopelessness is the spring board of hope, that loneliness can be the harbinger of friendship and that silence can sometimes be the mother of laughter. However, knowing these things does not always sooth the soul. Winter can be the the hardest of times.
And so I begin to silently recount all of the steps I have taken to care for my garden. All during the warm weather, compost has been created and applied in generous form. The clay that originally laid here has been softened to loam with the addition of sand and constant tilling, lime too has been applied. Straw has been mixed in to further break down the clay. Many cows have added their droppings to increase the nitrogen content and iron and other nutrients have been laid down in proper quantity. I wonder if the bacteria I am trying to promote are slowed by cold. Perhaps so, but I imagine that they are doing their bit as well as they are able. These thoughts make me happy in counterpoint to the visual effect of the scene which pulses with isolation and loneliness. My garden in reality is truly alive even though all observations point to the contrary.
And then I begin to wonder is this my garden or do I belong to it? After all it provides a good portion of my dietary requirements. Yes, I feed it generously, but it is from its bounty that I draw my life force. I labor at it with good intent, yet it did not choose to be a vegetable garden. It would have been content just being a patch of grass. It is a symbiosis, but since I did choose to create its identity, I must conclude in the end that it is my garden and being so I am the one responsible for its well being...Even in the coldest of times.
As it is with my garden so it is with my body. It is my body, given to me by forces that I will never fully comprehend. A gardener of vast skills must have chosen my identity. But I have no knowledge of my own beginnings. All I have are echoes of that creation that come to me as a small voice speaking volumes. And the greatest of these missives that comes to me over and over is a reminder that I am responsible for maintaining that which has been given to me. For better or worse I am the gardener now. And as everyone knows a garden can not prosper without proper feeding and looking after.
This season is always difficult for me and I must assume that I am not unique in this regard. I know that fighting an addiction can be hard, sometimes seem impossible and often leave you feeling isolated and hopeless. But take heart, defeating this addiction may be one of your greatest achievements in this life. Use the wintry times to recall the things you have done to break the cycle and be proud of yourself for the doing. Understand that quitting is not a passive activity. In order to reap the harvest, much labor is required. Understand not only the nature of the addiction, but what you are getting from it. If you are creative you will find that you can acquire the same things from less lethal sources. There are times when you will feel loneliness. Many people (including me) forged a bond of friendship with cigarettes. Come here and post your feelings. You may find that others are going through the same. You are not alone.
And most of all, in the coldest of times, remember that the garden is only sleeping. Renewal will come. Each of us is the owner of our own garden, feed it well...
nonic
My Milage:My Quit Date: 12/25/2006
Smoke-Free Days: 1094
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 32,820
Amount Saved: $11,487.00
Life Gained:Days: 208
Hrs: 20
Mins: 52
Seconds: 58
