I feel that way too sometimes... I lost so much time being afraid of this **** disorder... and here I am, sitting at my dream job feeling scared and numb - getting ready to go home early. It's an infuriating and life stealing illness, but I find that getting really angry about it, about letting it take so many things that I love, helps to motivate me to try new things to get better...
I know it's not always that easy to keep trying though... I've been struggling with this for over 10 years now... lost so much of my childhood, so many opportunities to it... a lot of times I feel like I'll never get better... but I know I can because I've heard stories of others and can remember times in my life when I didn't feel fear. I know you can get better too. Try not to focus on the ultimate goal of recovery (going to the mall, working, college - all panic free), try to focus on the small steps that will lead you there. I've overwhelmed myself a great deal by focusing on destinations instead of steps.
Please try focusing on things you can work on at home to be good to yourself, aside from anxiety research and other panic focused things. I find the more I *over* thinking about it,the worse I feel. Maybe blocking out a chunk of time for anxiety specific work every day would be helpful... and then do nice things for yourself like deep relaxation excersises, hobbies / skill building, watching a favorite movie, playing a fun videogame, calling a friend, shopping for little things online, anything you enjoy doing that you can enjoy from a comfortable place. We are each valuable and wonderful human beings, even with this or any other illnesses we may have. We are all worth our own self love.
I hope that you're feeling better soon.
Mercy
