When you think you got it, somehow it gets messed up. I thought I was ok.
A smoker friend came over and since I am a good hostess I offered to make coffee (no-no to me since I quit - big trigger). But I thought ..what the heck, time to get over it.
We both are having coffee outside (well I am a masochist and had to have a cup), she is having a smoke with the coffee and my mind starts wondering just basking in the smell of coffee and smoke.
Of course I started to having cravings. A whole lot of them! And desires and thoughts.
I did not feel bothered by her smoking. This is what bothered me.
(My mind - Thoughts):
Why can't i have one with tis coffee and enjoy it? Why do I have to be an addict? Is that so bad? But then again I will probably die of cancer and she/others will be still enjoying smoking. Damn them! (horrible I know).
I can't think or even understand her babbling and I don't really care. If I smoked one I could concentrate and give her advice. I love coffee with cigarettes. What's the point of having coffee, then?
Just have one and enjoy a normal conversation with your friend in a beautiful morning laced with loads of coffee. Am I not tired of having to remind myself I don't smoke every freaking moment? Wouldn't be easier just to ask for a cigarette and get over it?
Do I remember the conversation? Nooo... Do I care? nooo...
Finally I am over the visit! I know I will feel better... It doesn't matter that I am no longer drinking coffee with the friend who smokes, I am still craving and I really feel awful. I want to smoke, I want to smoke. Who cares... It's about want... Who am I kidding.. go for it. Give in, Give in.
Perhaps I make no sense, but I wanted to let you know how my brain is operating today (stupid brain!). I really need to shoot down this reptilian brain before it kills me. Anyone has any suggestion?
My Mileage:
My Quit Date: 7/24/2010
Smoke-Free Days: 61
Cigarettes Not Smoked: 1,220
Amount Saved: $317.20
Life Gained:
Days: 6
Hrs: 18
Mins: 9
Seconds: 21
