Hi Kristine,
It actually sounds like you are not doing too badly for being a month in. Things have calmed down, but you were triggered by an emotional night. It happens.
I remember having one of those at some point early on in my quit. I was involved in a complicated discussion with a lot of emotional baggage and confusion attached. I remember literally sweating through my clothes and just going nuts for a smoke. I did a lot of deep breathing that night.
I also reminded myself of a few things:
1) All feelings pass, whether I smoke or not. No matter how intense and crazy I might feel in a given moment, it will pass, whether I smoke or not.
2) It is OK to have painful or difficult feelings. I can accept the fact that I am having "negative" feelings without trying to change them. I don't need to do anything to make them go away. I can just feel them and/ or reflect on them while they are there.
3) When these feelings do pass, I'm going to be feeling a lot happier that I didn't smoke.
I posted a few days back about my month of crazy triggers, which were still much more subdued than they were back at that one month mark. (Yes, it does get better and better over time.) And I still thank my lucky stars when I get through some triggering episode and don't smoke. Each time I breathe in and think about how much my lungs have healed in the past year, I am grateful. It feels so nice to not have the little wheezes and the smoker's cough. Not to mention the fact that I've got more oxygen flowing through my bloodstream, which allows me to think more clearly and better manage my emotions.
I'm also thinking in your case that another big advantage to not smoking is that all those business associates won't smell smoke on you anymore. You will come across as more professional without the invisible cloud following you around.
Hopefully, you can remind yourself of some of these benefits. Also remember that this, too, shall pass. And when it does, you will be happy to be a nonsmoker.
