For the past 14 days, I have been a model of tact, diplomacy and patience with my fellow man. I have practiced the art of tolerance and understanding, giving people time and overlooking their faults and the little irritations that would make a less laid back and perfect individual sigh gently with impatience.
The only thing is that I can't understand where my family and friends have gone.................
I occasionally see the dog in a far corner. She has a worried look on her face and slinks off with her belly rubbing the carpet. I find the odd note on the kitchen table...........it usually says something about putting my dirty laundry in the washing bin, or asks me to cut the grass. I found half a tin of baked beans on the worktop yesterday, it had 'dinner' written on a label. Every telephone call I make gives a disembodied answerphone response and everyone seems to have closed their email account.
I went out to the pub the other day. As I walked down the main street in our village, I couldn't help noticing the downturn in the economy. Shops seems to close as I approached with shutters coming down and worried faces peeping out from behind closed curtains. The look in people's eyes reminded me of a horror film n which they had spotted a crazed lunatic with an axe. As I entered the normally busy pub, tumbleweed rolled across the floor and the landlord sobbed into his hands. He muttered about customers being frightened away and not being able to pay the bills. On the way back, I only saw one person.........and he quickly crossed the street and ran up an alleyway.
I have been happy though. I no longer cough like an old man with not long to go. I can tell the difference between fine wine and the washing up water and things taste like they did when I was a child. I can't remember the last time I went two weeks without visiting the cash machine and I am not gasping for breath if I run up the stairs.
Oh...............everyone seems to have appeared...........I wonder where they have been? People are saying strange things like "welcome back", "nice to see he's better" and "I'm so glad the nightmare has ended". My wife has just given me a hug and a kiss, its like I'd been away somewhere, and even the dog is trying to get me out for a walk!
I'm a bit confused..........I can't imagine what has been going on.
Mad englishMan
Stick close and hang tough, buddy! 
