Hey Alison!
I've been thinking about what set me off 12 years ago and I think it was a situation I had put myself in that had me seriously stressed and disgusted in myself. I had been married for about 2 or 3 years and I had an affair with this guy I worked with. I was sitting with my boys one night and we were singing Winnie the Pooh songs and my body went completely numb from head to toe, I rushed to the hospital, blah, blah, and the rest is panic history.... I think back to that moment now and I think it's because at that moment being with my boys I realized how much I was putting at risk just because I was being selfish and needing to be validated by someone else. My mother had a LOT of affairs and suddenly I was beginning to be just like her. If you read my other post about the child abuse that I answered for you, you'll understand how much I can't let myself be like that. I didn't want to be anything like the way she was and here I was.... being stupid.
I've talked to my husband about it and he forgives me and we are still together 14 years later - thank God! It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I could have lost everything just because I was being so self absorbed!! It was the worst mistake I've ever made in my life and it's something I have lived with every day since.
Part of me is grateful for the experience because I learned so much and without it, I wouldn't be the person I am today. But, it's been 12 years ago and I still beat myself up about it. My husband has forgiven me, why can't I forgive myself?!
Anyways.... that panic attack took off like a wildfire through my brain and it's caused so many different phobias throughout the years. It's like when I get throuh one phobia, another one arises. I'm finally starting to get a little more control back thanks to this website though. I'm starting to see that I can't change the past, all we have is today. I'm trying.
