well said:) I am shameful of my night as well this past Friday, but I think we need to forgive ourselves...this is bigger than us, us meaning who we have decided to become as drinkers. but it's not bigger than who we REALLY are, I truly believe that:) we will all get there, together:) Hope the days continue to get better as time goes on for you, you will make it!!!
I think my shame is speaking right now. I had a party to go to. I thought I would have a drink before I went. But the thing was I had had a difficult day. I work with people with mental health issues and some of them have bigger "issues" than others. Anyway the one today was hard. Came home and thought "well I need to wipe that day off me if I am to go out and be happy" so I had more than one drink. then I went out and had a lot more. the shame part was in. For the first time - I realised that people were treating me like I was already a drunk. I couldn't work out what was going on (thinking I was normal). And a good friend told me "well you get kind of loud if you have just one drink... like you change". I change. You see I have always "felt" that I remain the same. I have a drink.... well no biggie...it doesnt show. But my personality is one of a drunk. If I am uncomfortable then even if I have not had anything or much (like one glass) to drink.... I change. I read an audio clip of some men who did an AA workshop after I read Foxman's insights to me. And it hit but honestly I thought I could handle it. It's not that I can't handle drink.. I can't .... I have to accept that... it's that my personality has changed. Drunk or sober - my personality has changed to encompass being drunk. I laugh loud (not because I just have a loud laugh) because I feel uncomfortable socially (yet my life is in the public eye), I am always trying to help people (not because I want to be the next Mother Teressa) but because I feel such pain over being me. Everything about how I function socially is about how I feel inadequate. And I have developed a personality that reinforces that need in order to support my belief system. And tonight I felt I was Alice in Wonderland - for all the wrong reasons.. My only way is to cut drink completely out. Not because I can't handle drink (but that's a good reason) but because I need to sit in my pain and rewrite the script so that I don't live a life based on false scripts... the scripts of shame. I was abused as a child, as a teenager and as an adult. I have had the best that therapy can offer. Thank you Canada. But shame is who I am. And shame is not who I really am. but drinking helps me keep that belief intact. Before I went out tonight I tidied up my place. I didn't want to come home to the difficult day I had had with a client (they felt so much better about themselves but I felt ashamed about how I hated working with them). so have this lovely home around me, and these two dependant souls adoring me. And waking up dressed, hungover and shocked at myself - well it's good to be able to write here because my shame is too big to talk to anyone about. Abuse, the idea of what happened to me, it just has formed a belief system that I couldn't see I was supporting.
I am going to become a playwright - hopefully today - see you on the other side.
I am here, all is well. Thank goodness for AA, its not a daily struggle anymore. I just have to follow few simple rules. Alcohol problem has been long removed, I just have to deal with myself.
This is the queer mental twist the book called Alcoholics Anonymous talks about over and over again. We have no defense against the first drink. The mind would trick us into taking that, believing that you will handle it right this time. But then once the first drink is absorbed by the body, something happens and we go after more drinks than originally planned for. This is the phenomenon of craving the book also talks about.
I had a drink after my shift at work yesterday and that was it... I had to have another drink. I tried talking myself out of it but I obviously did not have the right script in my head because I walked in sleet to the liquor store. I came home and had a few drinks. I just don't understand why I can't convince myself to not do that. What is happening in my mind that allows me to get the better of myself? I didn't wake up with a hangover or anything but I know I would have got work done last night if I had not drunk. And I just don't understand why my mind which is generally very motivated, supportive, strong and sane lets this happen. It's like I am missing a switch or something when I taste alcohol. Is avoidence the only way? It really does worry me and confuse me. Not feeling quite so heroic today. thanks.
I was determined not to drink today. I had a small sherry. Which is fantastic as far as I am concerned. I really wanted a drink. First I wanted a drink because I was feeling so hopeless about everything and hating myself. Then I cleaned my apartment, did the dishes, had a shower and put a hair pack in my hair and made dinner. it put me in a fantastic mood. I felt wonderful and then I wanted a drink because I felt wonderful! But I ran a bath with epsom salts, submerged myself completely in it, played a motivating audio cassette about getting positive and when I got out the bath all I felt was thirsty for water as it had really dehydrated me. I felt great though. I feel really proud of myself. Three showers in one day is a bit excessive but only one small glass of sherry.
