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Did I do the right thing?

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 4

Hi Marina, I too congratulate you on your success!! Three days is a really big deal!! I suffer from Social Anxiety disorder. One of the things I did that you may want to consider is if you have a therapist have your husband go with you so he can learn what it is like to have depression.I did this with my husband and he learned what it was like to walk in my shoes. It was a big eye opener for him and I think it would be for your husband. Also from experience I would use alcohol to deal with my fears. What I have found out is it makes them worse! I wish you the best!!! We can do this!!! Lind

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Marina,

Congratulations for your successes! Big congrats on three days as well. Three days is a big deal and we understand how important it is. To those who have not had issues with alcohol it might be impossible for them to fully understand what you are going through. To help to come to terms with this it might be helpful to explore a few questions. Remember there are no right or wrong answers but consider this:

What would change if he did understand how difficult it was? How would it help you? What would be different? What would be the same? What would it give you?

Right here with you Marina!

Stay strong!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 31

Hi Vincenza and everyone else. Thanks for the helpful words. I did manage to have an uncomfortable but successful chat with my husband. I agreed that I would at the very least stop drinking alone. I'm a bit upset about this because I don't drink alone solely for the drink; I do it because I need time alone from work, family, and every other responsibility that I seem to have taken on. Being in a bar reading the newspaper, doing a crossword, is a really enjoyable way for me to do that. However, as he pointed out, is that while it may have started that way, I now can't handle it - and its true, I have been increasing what I drink while still spending the same amount of time there.

I still feel that he doesn't understand just how difficult this is for me. I asked him to accept that I will slip up and he sees that as rewarding me. For example, I went three days last week without any alcohol. On Day 4, I was tired and treated myself to two drinks. He wouldn't talk to me. He said that if he hugged me, told me he hwas happy to see me home, understands that I slipped and focuses on the three days more than the bad Day 4, that he thinks he is rewarding me and he doesn't want to reward me for drinking two pints. His heart is in the right place but I do really need his support.

I think I may have come to the conclusion that I should stop hoping he will help me in this way, because it's never going to happen. And I have managed to find a few leads on support. I emailed AA online and two people wrote back to me, one of which I have been corresponding with all weekend. I also found a local agency who offers support, its not AA but they said they will support me whether or not I choose to do AA. I am waiting for an appointment from them.

So some successes, and some things I just have to accept. The last three days when I was with my husband, I have not touched a drop! But today, I am struggling and really want to go out to a bar for lunch.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi Marina,

I'm sorry to hear about the challenging time you're going through. Have you discussed these challenges with your husband? It does not seem fair for him to expect you to carry and support him as you're going through a difficult time.

You said that you know how to deal with this - which is to stop drinking - but that you would then have to feel the pain and hopelessness of depression, why do you think this is the case? What fears do you have? What is the underlying reason for your drinking? Do you have others you can talk to about your feelings?

It's great to hear from you on the forum. Continue posting with us to let us know how you are doing. There are always members here to offer their support and lend a hand when needed.

Here for you,

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 31

Hi Lind. My husband is the same. His way of helping me is to yell at me when I slip up. Which, of course, makes me feel worse, and when I feel worse, I want to drink more. It's also hard because he's so fed up he feels like he needs my help. And I need his help so bad, that thinking about helping him just puts enormous pressure on me = I want to drink more.

I don't really know how to deal with this. Well, I do - if I stopped drinking none of this would be an issue. But if I stop drinking, I have to feel the hopelessness and pain of depression. So it feels to me right now that this is the only way things will get better in my marriage: I stop drinking and feel the pain of depression, but don't talk to him about it (he's never really understood depression as a disease, he thinks it's a decision I'm making, or worse that he's failed me). I just can't carry him at the moment as well as myself.

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 20

Hi Lind,

You are welcome, I feel you are sounding better today. Today is a difficult day for me but now I am better as the day goes by. Thanks for you post. I have been tempted on and off all day to go get a drink. I am just about to eat my dinner so I hope that will help even more.

Tomorrow will be better for me and all of us I hope.

Later

Me2.0

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 4

Hi Me2.0, Thank you for the encouraging words!!! I really appreciate it! You are right each day is different. So far in my journey I have had great days and days well quite honestly I would like to forget!! What I do know it that the great days are days where I have little or no alcohol. This is what is keeping me on track! Thank you, Lind

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 20

Hi Lind,

I was thinking about your question. Speaking for myself, I feel that the immediate future is uncertain and I doubt that I am alone in that. So maybe one day you will have one drink and on another day you will have 3 - or whatever. I think that senario would be true for just about anyone. So just tell the people ( including your husband ) who you want to support you that things can happen that way as you are on the path to reach your goal.

I was surprised at just how many people understand once I explained things a while back.

This is one man's thoughts.

I think Ashley had great suggestions.

Have a good day and good luck Lind!

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

You're very welcome

Thank you for your participation and appreciation!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 13 år siden 0 +0 / -0 4

Hi Ashley, Thank you for your help!! These are all really good suggestions!! I really appreciate your support and this website. Lind

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