Hi Alison, Our technical department is looking into this problem with the new version of the site. Casey ____________________________________ The Panic Center Support Team

this new format does not allow you to look at the post as your replying to it :( But I also have this sick and twisted constant fear about my mom. If I call and she isn't home, I panic. Usually she's out for a walk. I always think the worst case scenario. What is interesting is that I don't panic in the same way about anyone else.... You must find your mother very emotionally draining, I do. It must be hard to be the sole provider of everything. Does she have much contact with your kids?

Thanks Caitlin! Don't apologize for the long posts. I always enjoy hearing from you and what you have to say. I did see your post on the lake and your step son. I'm glad you had a week to relax. I've never been to the Luthern camp but I have friends that go and really enjoy it. There is actually several cottages for sale in Victoria Beach right. I don't know if you know about the driving restrictions. From June to September you cannot drive your car anywhere there and you must park and take a cab to your cottage and hence walk or bike everywhere! It's fun because you don't have to worry about your kids on the road but the constant exercise does get tiring! Back your comments (which might I add seem to always bring me some sort of insight in regards to my own life, thank you very much) helped me see where the love of drama and trauma come from. Growing my mom often drank too much and often threatened to leave my dad. I was the youngest and always seemed to bare the brunt of these siutations. I often feel like a large if not all part of my anxiety stems from my childhood. Between my mom's alcoholism, her health anxiety, being sexually abused, etc. I'll never forget getting frostbite when I was about 5 years old, and my mom was so panicked, I thought I was going to die. Another bad memory that also was the begining point to this really bad road was after I was raped as a child in the late 80's, the whole AIDS awareness campaign started, I'll never forget looking at a pamplet and thinking after what happened to me I must have AIDS. Of course I had no one to talk to, and thought this for a very long time, as in years. Sorry to go off on a tangent there! Anyways, back to my point that this makes me hugely aware of what a vital role I have as a parent. This also starts to panic me feeling like I'm racing against time (as my kids grow up) to get everything straight in my head and not cause too much damage to my kids. Obviously I'm not drinking or putting my kids in any kind of dangerous situation, far from it of course.But it is the every word that comes out of a parents' mouth which help shapes a child's reality and the their perception of the world. This is what I am forever working on. Take care, thanks for reading! Alison.

Hey Alison! I replied to your post about the cottage/lake (on the original post called "CAITLIN", but they changed the title to something like "how are you?" and now I can't find it at all, not sure if you ever saw my reply about the lake, and about how I get along with my step-son... I know exactly what you mean about feeling hopeless in terms of coming to the realization that, when there isn't an internal physical symptom, we find external ones to fret about. I don't know what causes us to do this - maybe for some it is drama. I think for many it's something that gets mistaken for "drama" - it's the need to be in crisis mode. This is less about being dramatic or having people focus on you the way "drama" implies, and more about how we cope with life and how we know to survive and get through things. The problem of course is that living in crisis mode takes it's toll -for us it seems to have taken it's toll in the form of contant and unmanageable anxiety. I've been doing research on the impact of a parent's mental illness on their children as they grow up, and one of the main effects that I found fascinating and that really hit home for me, was that children who have to cope with their parent's mental or emotional issues grow up living in crisis mode as a matter of survival. My mother has a mental illness, whether it's paranoia caused by the pessimistic and isolated life she has led for over 20 years, or whether it's actual chemical imbalance like schizophrenia, I don't know. The doctor's don't really know either, but she refuses to see them anymore anyways. Growing up as an only child of a single mother (my parents split when I was 7 - my mom went downhill after that) is intense enough, but when your mom has issues like mine does, life is WAY TOO intense most of the time. When I was in my late teens, I came to fully recognize the extent of her problems and I totally took over the parenting role - my mother wanted and continues to want it this way, she as the dependent, me as the provider. She had been unable to financially support us for many years, and once I was old enough, I took this on, as well as being her only emotional support (she literally hasn't had a friend or other relationship besides me for almost 20 years). Even when I was a child, I

Hey Alison! Are you worried about your kids getting the chicken pox vaccination? Any side effects that come from vaccinations are extremely rare so there really isn't a whole lot to worry about with it. They may get a fever and be sleepy, but that is very normal and will go away in a day or two. I know you read all the side effects and think instant panic but in reality, it just isn't very likely to happen. I know how you feel about all that though. I always have to force myself to take any meds or have my boys take any meds. Especially if it's something with horrifying possible side effects. I started working at a doctor's office a few months ago and I had to get my MRI shots updated, Heptatis B vaccinations and be tested for Tetanus - I can't tell you how much I panicked every time I had to get this done, but I forced myself to do it even though there was terror racing through my veins with every shot and in the end, it was ok. Sometimes we just have to force ourselves to get things done. The thing with the side effects though is that the makers of the meds have to put that info out there so if you are one of the very rare people that has a side effect you can't sue them and say they were never told. They're just trying to cover their behinds. But, like I said, those side effects are extremely rare so take a deep breath and do it. Vaccinations are very important - especially for kids. It'll be ok! You can do it!

This summer has actually gone fairly well for me in the last few weeks. No major or lasting health problems. But I've seen the depth of my problem in the absence of any health problems. For instance, I made an appoinment for my kids to get the chicken pox vaccine. Well, now I research this resentlessly. Up all night, worried till I'm almost sick, talking to everyone i know about it, calling different pharmacists, making my husband worried, etc. Nothing is really wrong, but I've turned this into a major panic. Do I just love the drama, is there no end for my need of reassurance? I always thought, if nothing was wrong with me or my family physically I could be okay. Well, I'm seeing not necessarily true. When there isn't anything...I make it up! This has brought me to an even greater sense of hopelessness. I'm like bottomless pit of worry, at some point I need to say enough is enough, but how do I do that is the question???