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is it normal?

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 61

I have an action plan in place that includes finding a place and getting out of here. I intend to leave almost everything I own behind. I find that when I acquire too many physical possessions I get frustrated and start to feel trapped. Moving will give me a way to purge all or most of my 'stuff'. It seems when I finally get a fully furnished really nice place together I start to feel claustrophobic and trapped under all of my stuff.

My plan is to pack most of my clothes and 36 pairs of shoes (just under half), as well as all of my nail polish (640 bottles) and my purses and my medical records and move!! with some luck I can get all that into one room and just live like that for a while. This way of life will teach me one of two things, 'I need more space and more stuff', or, 'there is more to life than belongings'.

For the record this is major lifestyle purge #3

After the move I hope to find an additional job. The three I have now are not paying well enough to keep me in my current lifestyle. For the first while I'll be living on under 1,500 a month, and that will be hard mostly because now I spend more than that on food alone, and more than that on alcohol alone, and certainly more than that on rent. I'm currently working with a budget of about tripple that a month, so it's going to be a shock... but guess who will be quitting drinking??/ (out of sheer necessity I'm sure) lots of Ramen noodles, water, whey protein and TVP.

I currently manage four retails stores as far as their merchandising is concerned, so I manage their supply chain. I tend bar and work security in a concert venue, and I do custom specialized visual art for weddings (starving artist) etc. I have some free days that I need to fill with work so that I dont destructively fill them with drinking. My goal is to be working or sleeping at all times for the beginning .. I might pick up a few more shifts at the bar (I know that seems counter intuitive), because I think its the best option for me since I can make good money and dont have to claim most of it. Plus working with alcohol prevents me from drinking it. I have very very strict personal standards that include never ever drinking before or during work (regardless of what I'm doing for work), or if I'm driving. So working in a bar allows me the social interaction I love while remaining completely sober.

That is my plan thus far.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 4

I can really understand the fear of failure thing. I think it's a common fear. It doesn't sound like the people today were very helpful at all...really soul destroying when you had got up with the intention of tackling it head on. Well done for persevering though. As you say there has to be a good place to go for help in a big city....maybe was it out of hours or something?Don't give up with that now you've made the initial move though...you've done the worst bit by starting to face the problem. It sounds like you've got a lot going on at the moment. As you say, you are a well motivated person. It's just working out which bit to deal with first as it can get really overwhelming to look at everything at the same time. The thing is, you know you intend to quit when the time is right. It sounds silly, but what is the first priority at the moment? Look for another place to live, then split with the bf so you have an immediate place to go. I know it sounds a bit mega organised but how about writing an "action plan" kind of thing so you can see things a bit clearer and order things in your head? Keep posting if you need to talk things through as it sometimes helps to get it all out to someone!

Thanks for your advice about the AA group meetings. Unfortunately/fortunately I live in Spain and my Spanish isnt good enough yet to attend anything like that, so gonna try to do it on my own at the mo, with my endless pile of books and with the help of this forum. But will keep you posted about the progress. Feel nothing but positive effects so far, but do also have the fear of failure in back of my mind, once the initial high wears off...if it wears off. Lets see.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 18

Don't give up on the help!! I took me several tries before I got through to the right person for me. They didn't seem to be helpful or care the first few times I called which of course sent me off the wrong way but eventually I got together with the most wonderful person who helped me out so much!!!!!

Keep trying!! I know T.O. will be good to you!! ;)

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 61

I have always been a very self sufficient self motivated individual. I have not told anyone of my intention to stop drinking as of yet. I think my motivation for keeping it to myself is the same motivation that keeps me from starting smoking again. No only do I have an extreme fear of failure but the thought of not succeeding when others know of my intention to quit would be devastating.

I do a really good job of appearing to be normal so most people who know me would not think that I have an issue with alcohol. The only person(s) who might think that I do are my bf, a couple past bf's, and my best gf from grade school. My family is blessedly oblivious. I never drink around them anymore after one mortifying drinking moment (many years ago).

Today my plan was to go into camh and see what can be done to help me in my current state, and I'm proud to say that I did in fact do that today. Sadly I found the person there to be particularly unhelpful. I was handed a stack of 4 papers and told to have my doctor fill out a referral. I fought with myself from 630 am until after 12 noon to get motivated to go and do this. I called 3 different alcohol addiction centers and got 2 voice mails and one automated message that would not accept a message.

I'm presently feeling pretty discouraged, but still going to move forward with my plan. I live in Toronto, Canada's biggest city and the city with the most and best doctors in the country, if there is anywhere in the country where a person like me can be helped it's right here. I think for right now because I'm a really high functioning problem drinker (wishful thinking maybe?), I should maybe consider working on one problem at a time.

First I need to get moved. My current housing situation sucks, but I find it hard to do everything I need to do all at once including: leaving my bf, moving, finding a place, finding an additional job to support myself alone (or finding a new partner who wants to support me), all while keeping my current job and maintaining my health and quitting drinking.

My drinking problem is only a problem if I START drinking, and even then it only tends to be a serious issue if I'm outside of the house alone. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if I go to a bar to drink (by myself) I'll drink till I black out 9 times out of ten(more than 16 beer), At home 9 times out of ten I'll have only a few beer in a sitting(under 10 beer). If my mother or another family member calls me I tend to drink more heavily, if I was already drinking when they called. Some nights i'll drink no beer at all .. (maybe twice a week, usually on a weekend)

I think deep inside I still want to believe I can do this myself.

Once I get into my own place I will be buying some grocery store beer (cause I LOOOOVE beer for its flavour) and will try to party like I do now without the alcohol. But living where I am now I'm having trouble with the bf, he is 100% non-supportive of me making any positive changes in my life or his. he wont even let me buy 'light' foods (even though we're both put on 40+ lb since getting together)... I need to get out of here before I can make much of a change.

Thanks for your support, I look forward to hearing more about you and your experiences as well :)

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 4

Hi Jessica30, It's almost as if you have taken the words out of my mouth. I agree with everything you said in your post and when I gave up drinking last year, I had all of those feelings too...going from crazy party girl to no smoking, no drugs, no drinking...why couldn't I be normal like all the other people that seem to manage to control their intake? But I think I do agree with Alan Carr on that point...that it is actually not a lack of control and some kind of defect in our character that makes us drink more and more. It's alcohol itself and its effects that, after 1 or 2 drinks, your "off" button disappears and the alcohol makes you want more and more.

It sounds like you are a really determined person,having given up smoking and drugs in the past. And you sound like you have really interesting things to say without needing alcohol. This time for me, I have purposely gone out with friends as normal, not saying anything about not drinking ( drinking non alcoholic beer!)and tried to carry on as the person I was when I used to drink....without the bad bits/waffling. The only tricky bit where I felt like I was missing out, was the first half hour(first drink basically)...that initial buzz of having a drink. After that, I forgot almost that I wasnt drinking and they didnt notice anything! So that's my new approach-to prove that I can be fun and interesting without it. Maybe you could try the experiment too? Have you told all of your friends about quitting? They won't even notice if you go along really positive and happy about it. Anyway, keep posting as I find your insights really interesting.Every time I read your posts, I think YES YES exactly! Its so good to talk to someone thinking the same things.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 61

All of my past behaviours have been harm reduction steps.

I have a congenital heart defect and neurological condition so smoking and opiate use was particularly bad for me. nearly 10 years ago when I decided to cut the two from my life and lifestyle I actually rationalized that everyone needs one vice, and since I'm not a big fan of eating.. I guess my guilty pleasure will be alcohol... and it was from there that I cut out the drugs, and several years later the cigarettes followed.. I suppose this was one of those self fulfilling prophecies. (but why is it so difficult.. I just dont get it)

Last month my liver tests came back normal, and I would really love to keep it that way (considering how much I have been drinking and my past drug use I was pleasantly surprised). I have spoken to my doctor about my drinking and asked if there was anything he can do to help, and he suggested that I 'stop drinking'. As you can well imagine I found that to be annoying yet ignorant all at the same time. I did not expect much from him since all he ever does is try to get me on antidepressants, I have a headache he gives me celexa, I have a throat infection he gives me effexor (yeah I'm serious he's just completely uninterested in really treating anyone) So I was prepared for his no help response but I thought I would still give it a try.

I know I seem smart and well spoken and put together but that is what 3 times through post secondary educational systems will do to you. I suppose I'm sad evidence that addictive behaviours are not reserved only for uneducated, desperate helpless individuals. It is my education that makes my situation all the more frustrating. I should be smart enough to manipulate my own thinking in a way that will let me get the best of the situation. The longer I sit here thinking about this... the more I am thinking that I still might be able to do that. There might be a harm reducing option left. Going to bars does not mean I have to drink alcohol, I often go to bars and am the DD and do not have a single drink .. going out to bars is not my problem, going drinking is my problem.

It's not perfect but replacement might work for the short term.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

It was very interesting to read your thought process as you very intelligently put together what is holding you back. It is clear that you associate drinking with being social. You even said, "I have gone from crazy party girl doing drugs and drinking, smoking, and being social, to no drugs, no smoking,..." So the questions is what about drinking brings social interaction and intelligent conversation? How can you bring those elements to your life without alcohol?

Now consider this, it sounds like you are in a cycle. You want to cut back on drinking but you have trouble cutting back on drinking because deep down you think if you cut back on drinking you will be cutting out the last part of you that is the fun, social party girl and it would also be cutting out social interactions which in turn will likely make you depressed. So you don't succeed and then you feel bad because you expected more from yourself. You may feel a bit negative then try to start the process all over again. Yeesh sounds tiring. What needs to change?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 61

I suppose if I WERE physically addicted to alcohol I would potentially be a little easier on myself and not expect miracles like I have in the past. I suppose I'm just hoping for something to 'blame' my lack of self control on.

It bothers me that for one reason or another I'm having extreme difficulty putting down the bottle (so to speak) when I have been able to kick other habits with relative ease. I had next to no withdrawal symptoms from cigarettes (and I smoked for over 15 years a full pack sometimes more each day) and with street drugs I woke up one morning and said... 'nope, I'm not using today' and although my guy at the time continued to use I had no difficulty and no withdrawal symptoms. Why is Alcohol different? I guess I just thought that based on my past experiences that I had and would continue to have control over the situation. It seems as long as I don't have that first one, I do have control, it's after that 'first one' that I'm in trouble.

After I give up alcohol what is left? I suppose that is what bothers me the most. I have gone from crazy party girl doing drugs and drinking, smoking, and being social, to no drugs, no smoking,... I think I have held on to the drinking this long because it is the link to the 'social environments' that I like/need/want in my life. I know that without social interaction and intelligent conversation I will likely end up in a really badly depressed state.

I'm not sure but I think my issue is just that I expected more from myself.

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Jessica,

It could be due to withdrawal. Feeling shaky or sweaty could be a sign of mild withdrawal. Or it could be due to another reason. In any case, if the binge drinking session did not occur over the weekend it is likely that you would feel a lot better today.

What would it mean if you were more addicted to alcohol then you thought? What would that change? What wouldn't it change? How would it make you feel?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

for 12 år siden 0 +0 / -0 61

Hey everyone.

I have a question about how I have been feeling (physically) being 'sober' for a short while. I last drank on Saturday afternoon (fairly excessively although I only planned to have 4 drinks...) I drank nothing Sunday and nothing today, but I have been feeling nasty. I am really super warm and sweaty but to touch I feel cold and clamy. I feel like I just cannot get my head out of my ass (if that makes sense).

I was feeling fine yesterday.

Is this just the weather? or is it actually to do with the alcohol and my body? I have always just passed it off as poor nutrition or not enough sleep, but now that i'm really carefully analyzing my problem drinking I'm starting to see that I only feel this way after a binge drinking event. Am I reading more into it than is there? Or am I more physically addicted to alcohol than I thought?

I look forward to reading your insight.

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is it normal?