Hi Ashley/Jo-Jo,
I've realized that many people go through those kind of moments, insomnia or combination of weird dreams. I do try to stay up beat, I'm more up beat with others than sharing with my family. I completely understand they care for me, but they just think it's something that, once you talk about it you move on.
As for my comment about women, not liking me etc. I guess I just don't know/understand the dating scene. This is also a huge reflection of how recovery has been difficult for me. Falling back to old patterns, oh maybe if I go out with friends and chill I might meet someone. First of all, that's setting myself up for a drink fest massacre ( I speak only for myself). I have stated my age before, 26. I have a had a 5.5 year relationship, and one serious relationship that lasted over a year. The one relationship, I showed co-dependent traits. Her father had pancreatic cancer, and I found this about 3 months into the relationship. I really had 2 choices, walk away and not have to deal with it, or stick by because I liked the "woman". I stuck by. I've already talked with counsellors about this situation, it was a tough situation, I actually spent a few nights at the hospice to keep her comfortable (because she was going to be there a lone) When we had the phone call he was ready to go, I opted to stay outside. I said "this is a personal family moment" In response I was told "you're part of the family" So I watched the gentleman pass away. It was difficult, the reason I bring this up is because when I moved to Sudbury, her and I were still together. When she told me this isn't going to work you live to far away I felt lost. No friends, no idea what I should do, but too much pride to ask for help. So I started drinking even more. I was so mad at her. I was mad at her for getting mad at me when a friend came to visit (as stated I knew no one) and she said "you rather go out and meet women, he's a bad influence, you should talk with me" (YES, I know the controlling behaviour etc) I can only explain and mesh emotions of how I felt and when I was really able to reflect on how wrong that was.
(I try to tie alcohol back into some of my stories, because it has played a big role).
I lost all chance for moderation drinking. I drank every single day in Sudbury. I moved to a city to do the same job I had back home ( I moved up north for a better work experience) The thing is too, which I always held onto was I was able to maintain a job during an awful recession, so I felt guilty to even complain. Also, being the newest member I thought I would be chopped. By the time I was starting to get roles, I was too far gone.
I hope this doesn't sound like rambling, but I always have a point so bare with me. (In essence I could just say I'm an alcoholic and that would explain lots (to people who understand it)
I've been having massive amounts of nightmares over the passed year about Sudbury (I lived there for 3 years) I never meant for it to be that bad, there were some good things, but not the love triangle.
After I got out of the hospital in June 13th 2011, I was on a month leave. I was hitting the gym, jogging playing ultimate frisbee, to be honest got in amazing shape (it was all addictive personality though, not healthy) I met a girl there, I was feeling confident, and she was showing interest. I found down the road she had a b/f, not cool. I was so torn, I really started to build feelings for this girl, but I couldn't BE that guy. It was frustrating, I would say we couldn't be friends, but I wanted to date, not mind games more so; I really like
Just kidding!
