Wow, I once battled with the thought that I might have schizophrenia as well. Once in university when I was studying pyschology and another when I had met my husband's cousin who actually had it and I was reading a lot about it. He has it pretty severe. He also had another distant relative that was schizophrenic and hung himself. And trust me, if you had schizophrenia people would be trying to help you and tell YOU you have it, not you telling others! Do you struggle with this one a lot? It's bizzare how we get hooked/fixated on a few disorders or diseases. I also hate you I constantly second guess a doctor's judgement and keep coming back to the same things :blush: take care!

Hey Alison, I have been teaching for two years and have about two years of subbing experience. I love teaching. I teach fourth grade. In March as I was walking my kids back from getting their pictures taken I had this strange feeling come over me. It was like everything in the room looked unfamiliar, like it was my first time in my classroom. I was speaking with a coworker and I could hear her but she felt like a million miles away. I immediately began to panic. I wanted to run out of the building and away from the unfamiliarness that I felt. However, reality was that I had to continue teaching 24 little ones about dividends and divisors. That same feeling hit me the next day as I was getting ready for work. My heart raced and my hands and the back of neck were wet with sweat. Once again I wanted to run away from the fear I was experiencing. However, I drove to work and went through my daily routine. God works miracles, doesn't He? My next adventure was researching the internet about my symptoms-big mistake-huge! I diagnosed myself with scizophrenia and thought about how I would break the news to my husband. Over the next few days I grew more panicky until I could not stand it any longer. I explained to my husband everything that happened. I then made an appointment with my doctor. I took off one day. My body literallly shook for a week. I explained everything to my doctor and he was and has been supportive and great. I saw a therapist for a while. I take an antidepressent and still continue to struggle with this. Some days are better than others. I wish I approached the panic attack differently. I wish that I didn't expose my mind to so many mental disorders. That is the difference with me, I panic that I am going to "lose it". Aches and pains don't bother me but if I read about schizophrenia I get really upset and begin to think that maybe I am developing the illness. It has been a long journey, one with twists and turns and bumpy roads but I believe I am getting there with the Lord's help. Someday I hope I will be free of this. You seem like you have a lot of faith. God with help you make the decision to teach again. Pray about it, talk to your hubby and pastor. You can do it. You will have twists and turns but you

Oh Allison I understand when I read your post, I truly know what it is like to lie on the couch crying and trying to be strong and take care of my son while freaking out, I cried when I read that and I felt your pain, I hope that does not happen much anymore you sound strong in your posts and that is a good thing. My son is sick with strep throat now but I hope both him and I will recover from our ailments different as they are, I would like to go back to work part-time I have been told I am not "emotionally" ready yet, but I hope to be someday, on the positive side I did NOT cry today and only had one panic and was sad but I handled it hopefully the medicine and prayer will heal me to function again. God bless Allison, Debbie.

Thanks Debbie and Shell for your thoughtful replys. Shell- how many years have you taught& what do you teach? That must of been quite a victorous feeling on that last day of school! Did you need to take much time off for bad days or were you able to plug on? You should be proud. It's just one step at a time and before you know you've reached a goal. Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it. Debbie- I do sub now, but it's not the same as your own position. I used to teach kindergarten in a private Christian school, you really get to know the kids and teachers, it was fun. Subbing is good but stress me out at times! ;) I understand your sheer desperation at times. Having dependent children often makes you feel even more trapped and guilty all at the same time. To a certain extent your words often remind me how I thought about 5 years ago. And recently I have come to a point where I can look back and see an improvement in how I think. So I just want you to know as hopeless as you may feel sometimes, there is hope. There were many bad times I experienced but one I'll never forget I was taking a shower and seeing a huge bruise that I didn't know where it came from (I thought I had a horrible disease), I was shaking, sweating, nauseated, on the verge of crying, couldn't concentrate, my head was tingling,and things were almost spinning around. I remember my kids needed me, and myself hardly being able to respond. I remember calling my husband at work, and him laughing it off or downplaying it and having no idea what was going through my head. I felt so horrible I remember thinking I would almost rather be dead than live like this and I am no mother to my children. I remember laying in a ball on the couch at scared at night crying, and not even knowing why. I just remember feeling so isolated, so hopeless, so alone, and not having ANYONE that understood what I was going through. We had just gotten married and my husband though I was nuts! This is a horrible way to live. :mad: Something that hit hard the other day was our pastor saying 'You will never have as many days to live as you do today'. Depressing, but true! Time slips by quickly, looking back at times wasted worrying about things that aren't in our control, is time you can never get back

Dear Allsion, I so admire your determination to go back to work. I understand through your concern, taking care of children is hard work, I know when my son was 2-6 it was very hard, my husband was working long hours and my son was going from 7:00am to midnight without blinking an eye! The strange thing is I never panicked then, that was such a stressful hard time and I never had panic or depression, just high-anxiety which I can tolerate. I had a thought, its just a thought, could you be a subsitute? That way you could decide how you feel and if you want to go in? I don't know if you would want to do that. You are a very strong person and I so admire you, thank you for your advice on my other post, you and Cystal seem to read my mind. I am still taking the Paxil, the side effects are very rough and we have a hurricane coming this Friday {on my birthday no less!} I am trying to keep my head above water. God bless, Debbie.

Alison I continued to work during my ordeal with panic. It was extremely difficult but I needed to continue. I am also a teacher therefore I can completely relate to what you are going through. At first I didn't know how I was going to get through it. Getting out of bed was a challenge every morning but with prayer and patience I managed to make it to summer vacation. My husband was and is supportive as there were many days that I cried in his arms and feared that I just wouldn't make it through the day. I dreaded everything. The first month I took it real slow at school. I didn't try to do a million things. I did some work at my seat and leaned on coworkers for support. I made it through and was thrilled as the busses pulled away the last day. I dread going back. I get nervous when I think, "what if I feel that way again or how will I ever make it through a full year". You will get through it too. Maybe you could start off by subbing or try to find a part-time job. One thing that helped me was the comforting words I found on this site. Lean on God, friends and family when you can't stand alone. Take Care

I've haven't worked in a few years since I've been at homw with my children. Next year my youngest will be going to kindergarten. I think I would really lose it if I stayed at home all day by myself. Way too much time on my hands to let my imagination run wild. I can keep myself somewhat busy by going to the gym, cleaning, cooking and visiting friends occasionally, but not 8 hours of day worth of course. However, as a teacher it's really hard leave if your not feeling well in the day or take many days off. It sounds bizzare but it would be quite a commitment for me to say I will be there 5 days a week, all day. I feel like I need to research symptoms on internet and be able to go to the doctor at a moment's notice. ( I obviously need mental help here! ;)I think I would feel so trapped if I couldn't leave. Obviously the healthy choice here would be for me to work. I am curious about anyone's experience returning back to work and their levels of anxiety. Did it get better or worse and how did you deal with it?