I am really upset. I went to the 8:00 mass (the busy one), I sat near the back. The mass didn't even start yet and i was extremely anxious. The whole church was filling up.....people were even standing from how busy it was. My anxiety was increasing drastically. I couldn't see clearly, i felt dizzy, i felt as though I was going to pass out...i was so disconnected with myself and everything around me. So, i left with my fiance.
the thing that made me more nervous was that my fiance thought I was being 'rude to him'....but i was really just nervous...i didn't want to show it to him....i wanted to feel strong....andi wanted him to see me as a strong person. (he does, but yesterday was a big misunderstanding). So, this made me even more nervous.
Anyhow, I LEFT. I went home and cried. I failed and the mass didn't even start yet. I feel horrible and stupid and worthless.
The better thing is that i decided to get into my car and drive back to church on my own. So i did. I went back because i was not gonna let this be another year of not giong to church on Good Friday. the thing is, i was sort of avoiding because there was a seat availabe beside my brother in the middle near the front....but i did NOT go sit. I stayed standing up in the back where everyone else was standing. I just felt more comfortable incase i needed to walk around and get fresh air outside.
I guess the good thing is that I went back. But the bad thing is that i left in the beginning. I missed my favorite part of the mass, and i didn't even SIT like everyone else was. I was looking around and observing everyone. People were just sitting calmly and enjoying the mass peacefully. I was thinking to myself that this is not fair....i really envy them for having that ability....i really wish i can just SIT calmy for like 2-3 hours and just enjoy myself....free from everything. I hope so....i really hope that is me one day.
