Ripper,
It certainly does sound like you have intrusive thoughts, which is a symptom of OCD.
We at The Panic Center encourage you to, if possible, to get some professional help in planning your exposure work. The other thing you should do is try to reduce any "safety behavior" (i.e. compulsions) that is associated with the obsessive thought.
Most people with OCD, they have an obsessive thought, which causes anxiety. They then reduce the anxiety by performing some compulsive behavior (washing, checking, arranging, praying or mentally "undoing"). The compulsion works until the next time they have the obsessive thought. Then they have to engage in the compulsive behavior all over again. People with OCD and people without OCD have the same kinds of thoughts. It's what the thought "means" to you that is important. Psychologists say that you are winning against OCD when you recognize an obsessive thought as
"just an obsessive thought." Attempts to hold back the disturbing thought only make it seem more "important."
For example:
Try to not think of a "white bear." The more you try not to think about it the more you can't stop thinking about it. The similarly here is trying not to think about disturbing thoughts only makes them seem more "important."
In general, one component of treatment for OCD involves getting people to gradually reduce their compulsive behavior and "exposing" themselves to the discomfort (anxiety) created by not performing the compulsion.
The second main component for treatment of OCD involves getting people to do exposure work in which they "expose" themselves to their disturbing thoughts. A third component of treatment for OCD involves getting people to use thought records to challenge what the disturbing thoughts "mean," including, for example, their sense of responsibility for bad things happening to other people.
If you need ay more information about OCD, please check out the homepage of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Foundation.
Josie
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The Panic Center Support Team.
