Out of the blue Mom decided that we should go for a walk, since she noticed that I had my shoes on (I wear them in the house because my feet get cold). So I said "ok". We both went to the bathroom first to pee, I went first, and afterwards, while I waited for Mom to go, the anticipation began. I tried to fend it off. I reminded myself that all I have to do is allow myself to enjoy this walk, and I won't have time to feel anxious. We put our jackets on and went outside. It's such a beautiful weather day, feels nothing like January. Anyway, we walked, hand in hand, to the highrise right next door to our house to get a newspaper. I was a little nervous. I felt my heart beating faster, but I was able to go. But after we got to the highrise and got the paper, I started to feel like I couldn't go back. We'd start walking and my thoughts would go to having a heart attack in the middle of the sidewalk on the way back, which would make me stop and turn back. Mom grabbed me and pushed me on, but still I broke free and went back to the highrise. This happened about 2-3 times. The final time, I could tell my Mom was getting impatient by the look on her face. So, I said "ok", and walked over to her, grabbed her hand, and started walking, my heart still racing. I can't describe the feeling when you think you're going to have a heart attack, and then you're heart starts racing because of it. At that exact moment I think about all the literature I've read about PAs and I think "I'm supposed to just ignore this? I'm supposed to live through this? Bullsh*t!" Mom told me to close my eyes so I did, but then I opened them. I said well ok this is it, if I have a heart attack I just have one, I gotta get home somehow, I can't just stay here. So, we walked, and Mom brought up a different subject, and I started talking. I felt this rushing wave of fear just come over me, like I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I think it only lasted about 5 seconds, maybe. But once we got near our door, I started to feel better. Just wanted everyone to know what happened.
