Maggie, I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day. Try not to focus on the negative, focus on the small victories you had today: * You kept your anxiety at bay for a substantial amount of time * You answered the door * You gave yourself an injection * You brought you anxiety down for some time using a distraction These are great victories so you see you're not hopeless! You're making progress and you need to recognize it and pat yourself on the back for all your hard work. With regards to your significant other, it may be helpful if he had access to information about panic disorder and anxiety. If he doesn't have a great understanding of the disorder, he is less equipped to be empathetic. Keep persevering! Wrestler, Depersonalization & derealization is scary for many. Again, the best way to tackle this symptom is to continue working through the root causes of your anxiety and phobias. Hope this helps. Danielle ______________________ The PC Support Team

I've read many of the posts in this thread and the dream state Samantha described is often how I feel. I'll go to work somedays and I feel like I am disconnected from the world. I was so scared the other day that I began to cry in front of my wife before work. It was not a very good cry as much of that fear and confusion is still in me. Hopefully this post will release some of it. Anyway, I also understand depersonalization and derealization. They are horrible side effects of depression, anxiety and panic. I've often read theories where your body causes this as a defense of your fears. I know that's only one theory, but it seems to make some sense. I am 40 now, but I also experienced these feelings since my teens and probably as a very young child, but did not now what it was. The difference between now and then is I know now what the symptoms are now and that I am not going crazy and I am not going to forget or be unable to recognize my wife. I remember being taken to the emergency room when I was 16 for panic, and I felt so out of it. My dad went with me and it was as if I was in my own little world of confusion. I recognized my dad, but I did not feel the same, nor did I feel like any of it was real. These same feelings re-emerge sometimes. I'll be feeling mostly good for several weeks and then the feelings start to come back little-by-little. I try to deny that the feelings are happening, but sometimes it wears you down. A little anxiety here, a little bit of thinking of awful things or fears there, and then obsessive compulsive disorder kicks in and I start to feel detatched from reality. Add in that my job is not a help, and full-blown anxiety and possible panic could happen. But then a calm comes back and life feels easy again. OK, I've rambled on a bit. This thread is so large, and it was all started by Samantha. I think now we all know, and hopefully Samantha knows that none of us are alone with these feelings. I hope my sharing helped some or all of you. I know it helps me to vent as well. David

Hi Lorlee, it seems that on that point you and me are a lot alike :) When i get scared and panicked thinking about all of you from this forum and you understanding and knowing what it is like and not feeling so alone really helps me get over it too :) I think this forum is great! And this site is the most wonderful site i have found to date lol Take care! -Diva

Hi Samanthat, i am sorry to hear you are having a rough time. It was nice of you to still take the time to help out Maggie and i think your suggestion about the information was just great. I am sorry that you are having bad symptoms of dreamlike states but remember they are just another symptom and you will be fine. Some days i feel like i am not myself. Like i am somehow not present to my life Like everything around me is seen through a glass pane or something. But then when my anxiety levels go down that goes away and i feel much better. So you can do it too, get out of that feeling. And in the meantime, just remember that it is ok and it will pass. As for wanting to get over this and being tired of feeling like this i certainely can empathize. Somedays, i feel so tired of this. But i can see that in working the program and seeing my therapist and with the support of this site and all my friends and family, i am getting better. I can see it in little things everyday that is improving. And i write all those down in my diary as proof of my success, no matter how big or samll it seems to me! It really helps me, maybe it can help you! Anyway, it is just an idea. I know this is bad, but you can do this and get over this. Hang in there! -Diva

Maggie hi, it's me again lol. First i just want to say that i agree with you that browsing sites about mental illneesses you are afraid of is a big no-no. It feeds your fear cycle big time. Anyone can find symptoms from any mental illness that would fit them. Secong, about your B/f. I will start with the part that feels like i am taking his side (Which trust me I am not!). His behavior is probably not because he doesnt love you or because he is the worse person in the worls. It is probably just because he feels worried for you and mostly because he is feeling very hmm not impotent to help you but... hmm sorry english is not my first language.... you know he feels like he has no power to help you. that makes him angry that he cannot just fix this for you. It is hard for someone to watch someone they love suffer! Oh i got the word i meant Powerless! Anyway, that is what i have to say about that. Now i wanna say, that that does NOT excuse in ANY way is behavior towards you. You do not deserve to be treated badly or to be said mean things to. You do not have to feel bad, or want to make him proud! The only person who needs to be proud of you is you! Then when you are proud of you it does not matter if he is or not. HE is not helping you by making you feel bad and just because he is feeling helpless to help you and he misses how things were (maybe who knows i don't know him) it DOES NOT give him the right to make you feel bad about any of this! You be proud of you no matter what he says! I am not telling you to leave him or to tell him off or anything, i am telling you not to let his anger and his behaviour have power over you, over how you love and feel about yourself. As for the suggestion made by Samantha about giving him information about anxiety and Panic i think it is a wonderful idea! The more he understands the more he can deal with all of it with grace and understanding. And if that really isnt enough. Some places have support groups not just for people with mental illness but for people who life with people with mental illnesses. Yes, in some places (not all unfortunately) our spouses can have their own support groups to help them get through this. So that might be an option (but only if there is one in your region and only if he wats to go

Hi Samantha, I really feel for you. I am so sorry that you had such a rough time. I try to remember when I'm feeling like you that there are so many of us out here dealing with this disorder every day. As much as I hate that we are all going through this it helps me to know that all of you others are out there and I'm not alone. When I start to feel scared I think of the people on this site and the postings and sometimes it helps the panic to not last as long. I hope things only get better for you.

Hi Maggie. I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety. I am very blessed that my fiance is super supportive and helpful. Have you talked to him about your anxiety? Showed him the material on here? That's what I did to my fiance. I tried to answer any questions and explain to him what I go through. I think once he understood what I am going through he was so supportive. I have been having so many problems lately too. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to miss out on my son's life. I know I will get over this. It's so hard. I'm even panicing right now. I feel like I am in a dream. I feel like I am just going to fall asleep. I know I won't but if I am not scared of one thing it's another. I need to attend to my son. I will talk to ya'll later. Have a fabulous day everyone.

I'd just like to quickly update that I managed to pull it off. I finally distracted myself from the obsessive mental illness forum browsing with house chores, etc. AND I managed to give myself my injection all by myself, thought I was going to faint- but I did it nonetheless. I guess this is a bit of a success, especially considering the arguments between my b/f and I again tonight. Thanks so much for being here for me.

Well, I made the mistake of browsing bipolar (one of my WORST fears) forums tonight. I read some things that I thought could be applied to my even recent behavior as well, and I panicked! I tried talking to my b/f about it, as if I was presenting a case. He cut me off, and got madder than ever. I became hysterical, and said I thought I should go to the hospital tonight. He told me he wouldn't take me at that hour, and that he just simply doesn't care anymore. That broke my heart, amongst other cruel and unkind things he uttered tonight. Then I mentioned going back to my mothers, again. Anyhow, he's asleep now. And I cannot seem to stop posting or reading these forums for the life of me. I feel SO embarrassed, but I am scared of what will happen if I step aside from this computer. I thought my researching days were behind me, I guess I am completely over-stressed. I'm supposed to do my injection for my physical condition tonight as well, I don't know how I will handle it. I have managed to make myself feel like I am a manic-depressive or something. I need to stop these obsessions now! I know this, but I'm scared to. I don't know why, I'm just scared I will lose control if I step aside from what I am doing. I just figured I would post this, because it has been an incredibly difficult night. Maybe I should go and speak to someone and get some reassurance that I am okay, or deal with the problem if there is another one after all. I don't want to mess up this relationship if it is, in fact, all my fault! Thanks again. ***I'll try and stop the researching online now.***

Thanks again Diva. I am really starting to notice how much these arguments with him are hindering my recovery. I know he means well, but lately his insensitivity to my feelings is just mind baffling. After I posted that first post tonight, I tried distracting myself and I was slowly coming to. Then he sat down beside me, and I started feeling quite anxious again (depersonalization and such) and that just started a whole new fight. I couldn't take anymore and so I went into the other room and just had a break down in there by myself. I love him entirely, but it seems that the only way to avoid arguing these days is to fake a smile and tell him I am doing just fine. But that's just suppressing my emotions and it comes back to bite me even harder after wards. Just wish I could make him proud of me, you know? Thanks for listening.