The important thing is you did your best. don't be hard on yourself. And if he is angry then that is his problem. He has to own up to his own issues and his own anger. You are doing your best and that is all anyone can ask of you. So be good to yourself and remember you are not alone and you will be fine. Take care maggie and be good to yourself :) -Diva

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement and wisom Diva. It's much appreciated considering tonight, even though I tried my hardest, it's still not good enough for the b/f and he is very, very angry with me again. I wish I could do better, but this is the best I have right now... Anyhow, thanks again.

Hi Maggie, Its me again :P I am sorry to see that you are having such a rough day. I can honestly say i have had days like that. Days that were sooo maddening. I felt like crying and screaming and i felt besides myself and i had depersonnalisation and derealization and all them goodies that come with days like this. I dont much like to talk about those days from when my anxiety started but it was really bad so i really do understand where you are coming from. All i want to tell you is that you will be ok. It does get better. Some people might ask: "Hey Diva, what do you know about it you had a relapse!" To that i asnwer i still know. Yeah so what i had a relapse it is just another little bump in the road. What i can tell you tho is that it really does get better. Like yeah i had a relapse and it was really bad! But i find i am getting out of it much faster then the last time because i have tools. It is like it just gets easier and easier to get back to yourself once you do it. So i know it gets better. Cause even right now when i am panicking and anxious, it is still better then it was back then when it started. I see things differently and i know i can get out of it. I have better tools to get out of it. ok this part is just to reassure you that even if i relapsed things do get better as you go along lo. Trust me, i have come from very far! Anyway, days like you are having today i have had a plenty. I know they hurt and they are scary and you feel like you are going out of your mind. But trust me, i have been there, you will be ok. you will not go out of your mind! You will most defenetely get through this and this too shall pass! The random need to scream i get i have had that. The brain fog i have had to. the random fits of crying, the sudden feeling of impending doom had that too! And i was fine and you will be too. You are not alone! And it gets better. And the beauty of it is eventually you get better at dealing with things when they get bad, like with a relapse! I know i am rambling and only half making sense but i want to impress upon you the fact that all will be ok. that what you are going through is painful and scary but that you will be fine. My heart goes out to you. Please know you are not alone. I truely beleive you haveit in

Wellon days like these I feel completely hopeless. You see, I woke up today (and my b/f wasnt home) and I felt pretty hung over in my head from a medication I am on for a physical condition, plus over-sleeping. Anyhow, I decided not to call my b/f on his cell; I believed I could handle myself. So I got up, let the dog out and made coffee. Also, before this I was woken up once before to answer the door and sign for a package. I was half asleep and already terribly anxious about this, but I did it anyhow. After making my coffee and all that I checked my email, and soon headed to take a shower. Around this time my b/f had come home and was not in a good mood. I tired to put my anxiety and spaced out feelings aside, and listen to him vent. After my bath, I made myself breakfast and my b/f had to inspect a leak in our bathroom ceiling. He seemed to need help, so I decided to commit to helping him despite of how awful I was feeling. I kept trucking through all the awful feelings for the whole hour I was helping him. I even tried to joke with him a bit and everything. Eventually after cleaning up the mess that this task had caused, I got to sit down. At this point, everything CRASHED in on me. I tried to move through it, but I jut began to panic. I felt so terrified and messed up in my head; I began to cry as well. I dont know what happened, it was all so fast. All I know is that this feeling of DOOM came over me and I just couldnt keep strong anymore. I felt like I was going to lose control right in that moment, I still tried battling those thoughts- but the feelings were stronger. The weird thing is, I would calm down, and then every few minutes, I would just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs out of sheer terror (this dooming feeling and sense of emptiness would keep grabbing hold of me). I dont know, its on days like these that I am convinced something else is wrong with me. I just feel SO down, and I am absolutely petrified. Its going to be another lonely night awake by myself now, as I slept in because my physical self needs to heal as well. I have another injection to do tonight, and I dont know how the heck I am going to handle myself or my anxiety. I cant handle this Dooming feeling that comes on sometimes. I just cant, its

Samantha, Please be patient with yourself. Learning to challenge your anxiety takes time and practice. Please continue working through the program and finding the root causes of your panic. If you can tackle these issues, the feelings of unreality will dissipate. There is hope for you. You can work through this. Danielle ________________________ The PC Support Team

Hiya Samantha! I see you are having a rough few days. Listen there is hope for you and all will be well. You can do this ! You have it in you to beat this! First of all it is normal that your symptoms are worse with the wedding coming. Weddings are stressful, they are a big deal. And then when the mothers and the mother in laws and everybody else gets into it, it can get even more stressful! So dont be too hard on yourself. It is ok if your stress is ab it harder to control. It doesnt make you any less of a good person, it just means your life situation is a bit more stressful lately. I know the time around my wedding was stressful and it was a very small wedding! As for the depersonnalisation and derealization, it is normal to have those feelings with anxiety and panic attacks. Just remember that they are just symptoms of your anxiety disorder. They may feel uncomfortable or scary but they will not make you insane or anything of the sort. You will be just fine. As for spending time with your husband and your son, I am sure you are a wonderful mother and a great Wife to be. But you have a right to have time for yourself. Time to heal and time to get better. I am sure everyone around you will understand that. But first, you have to give yourself that right. That right to take time for you and take care of you without guilt! This is a time to take good care of yourself. As for beating this i know you can. We all can! I know you have it in you to heal yourself. First, i always suggest a good therapist. Having somebody there just for you really helps! I beleive in working the CBT program too. I am only on week two but i really beleive in this. Plus, dont be afraid to talk to your doctor he might be able to point you in the direction of a ressource that might really help! Anyway, keep hope! Keep faith. You can do this!!! I beleive it, i truely do. Anyway, keep me posted! -Diva

Thank you Maggie and Diva. I need all the help I can get right now. I am just so tired of feeling like this. It's getting so old. It just feels like I could just stare off into space and get lost forever and that scares the heck outta me. I take one step foward and then 3 steps back. I'm not getting anywhere. I just can't get rid of the feeling like I am going to lose control. Even just writting that brings that warm sensation over my body. I know that there is nothing wrong. I know I have nothing to worry about. The unreality feeling is wild. Before I went back to having such bad anxiety I would have feelings of the unreality. Is that normal? Even though I never paniced? I just want to be there for my son and enjoy life. I'm trying really hard. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so miserable. I used to enjoy driving, going places, being outside and now I don't even want to leave my bedroom. Is there hope for me? It doesn't feel like it. I have a wedding in a few weeks and I don't know how I am going to handle it. I don't know how I am going to handle today. I gotta face it. It's going to suck butI have to do it. I'm sorry for rambling on about nothing. It helps to let a little out even if it makes me nervous. Guys please tell me there is hope. Thanks for listening.

[color=Blue]Dearest Samantha, Oh I feel so awful that you have to go through this. Believe me, you are not alone though. Your post actually helped me see that I am not alone either. Being stuck in this dream-like state is incredibly debilitating for some. Believe me, I know. What you dont want to do is to make negative attachments to that sense of bewilderment; I learned this the hard way. Whenever I go through these dream-like states I automatically think I am losing my mind or am convinced it is "mania", or whatever else grabs me that day. I have become so sensitive to these feelings that I often become panic ridden even as night turns to day (and if Im even only a bit exhausted). I become panicked because the feelings of exhaustion or of night turning into day somewhat mimic some of the feelings that come with that dream-like state. Believe me; we can make such quick links to our fears, and therefore only feeding on the panic cycle. It is very easy to make habits, but harder to undo them. So what I am trying to say is that you have to try your best and just realize this as extreme anxiety or a form of temporary dissociation (depersonalization and derealization). I can guarantee you that thats all it is anyways. If you recognize this dream like feeling as those things, then you will eventually learn to be less afraid of it. Of course it still wont be a blast, and you may feel quite uncomfortable with this feeling but the less stress you add on yourself, the faster it will disappear. Its true; lowering your general anxiety level will both help prevent and shorten the amount of time you will be experiencing these dream-like feelings. I know this feeling, I go through it often- and while some describe it as brain fog- I know its so much more than that. Okay, now if you remember what I said about making links with/to certain feelings that come with and from anxiety, you will see how I can also relate to the will I be able to recognize my own thing. Coincidentally enough, it was the exact feelings caused by that dream-like or derealized state (following a major panic attack) that caused me to question my existence and the existence of my surroundings for the first time. Big mistake on my part! Ever since that day, I have gone in deep

Hi Samanthat. It sounds like you had a tough day. I totally sympathise with you. I have had days like that before. Don't give up, trust me you can fight this and win! I truely beive that you can do this. As for not recognizing people and feeling like you are in a dream and such, it is ok. It will not land you in a mental ward. Panic and anxiety sufferers often suffer symptoms called depersonnalization and derealisation. And the experience you described sounds pretty much like that. I bet you a ton of people on this site could write you posts describing similar experiences. I haven't had a moment like that in a along long time but i had them way back when. Trust me, you will learn to recognize this a nother of your anxiety and panic symptoms and that will help you cope with it and make it less scary. You will be ok. Just work the program and keep challenging those thoughts and you will be ok. Remember, you have it in you to control this ans heal yourself. Just hang in there it will get better! In the meantime, just be good to yourself and take good care of yourself and remember there is always hope :) This too shall pass! When you get to the end of your rope just put a big knot in the end of it and hang on! Anyway, i am sorry i do not have many more words of wisdom for you atm. I am a bit tired and so i am not quite as bright lol. But i did mean it when i said i beleive this program can help you and that you can beat this! Take care and keep me posted! -Diva

I feel so hopeless. I feel like I am going to live my life in this dream. Nothing feels real anymore and it is driving me crazy. Tonight I went out to dinner with my fiance, his mom, and my son. I barely ate 2 bites at dinner. I felt like I was going to vomit. I knew I could not run though. I sat there and faced the anxiety head on. I've turned anxiety into a little person that keeps trying to fight me and win but I've been trying really hard not to let him win. I have just never had this bad anxiety before. I am in this constant dream like state. I feel like I can't get out of it. I feel like I can't recognize anything. It gets even worse. We went to walmart even though I had no want to. As soon as we walked in a began to panic. I also started to have this weird feeling like I was not going to be able to recognize my fiance or my son. I started freaking out pretty bad. I didn't want to let him go in fear that they would just disappear. It sounds pretty weird. I am so scared. My fiance and my son are my life. I am hoping it's just that mean anxiety trying to play with my head but I can't even be sure anymore. Nothing feels the same. I am sorry for the long story. I am also sorry for writing so often. I am just so terrified. I get nervous every time I touch him now. He was my safe person. I know he is not a stranger but it doesn't feel the same. Alright I will stop writing. I am just hoping that I am not going to wind up in a mental ward not able to recognize anyone anymore. Thanks for listening.