Hi Vickers4,
It sounds like you may be experiencing depersonalization/derealization. It is quite common among panic sufferers and CBT, particularly exposure work seems to be quite helpful as it gets you to practice managing your states. Here's a little more about it:
Depersonalization : A frightening and/or disturbing experience of not being within one's own body or of being in immediate danger of vanishing/separating from reality €“ often described as the sensation of living inside a dream. Although cognitive functioning remains intact, the sufferers feel disconnected from their sense of self and often interpret it €œas if I am losing my mind.€
€œ My hands feel like they're made of paper, or like they belong to someone else.€ €œMy own face in a mirror seems foreign, like I have never really seen it before this moment€¦€ €œI cannot feel my body, not truly numb, but it is as if I have disappeared into myself, beyond my own flesh and blood€¦€
€œSometimes I literally wonder if I am already dead and existing as a ghost€¦it feels like my soul is trying to leave its shell and I am fighting with all my strength to hold it inside this body. I don't know if I'm dreaming or awake; I must be going insane€¦to feel my self wafting away€¦I know it is only a matter of time€¦€
Derealization : A state of consciousness that creates a sense of detachment from all environments, fogginess, as if a plate of glass is in between the mind and the physical world. Any concentration requires tremendous effort, and the harder the sufferer tries to focus, the more disconnected they become. Often including feelings of déjà vu or jamais vu. Familiar places look alien, bizarre, and surreal €“ as if they are part of a Salvador Dali painting. In fact, the more familiar the surrounding, the more foreign it seems to be.
€œIn a split second, the world seems to tilt. I am suddenly a stranger in my own neighborhood.€ €œReality seems to vanish, or is closing in, as if the literally edge of the world is right beyond the horizon.€ €œEverything looks €˜off,' like it turned into a stage set or fake replica of how it should really look€¦€ €œThe world looks like I'm dreaming, or like I have unwittingly taken LSD€¦€
Depersonalization and Derealization involve similar consciousness states, although psychiatric literature discusses them as two different symptoms. The major distinction is that the first is a distorted awareness of self, while the second is a distorted perception of the physical environment. Often patients experience both, simultaneously or alternately. These states of mind are accompanied by an obsessive need to self-monitor, to observe the self moment by moment. The sufferers describe an inability to experience their own lives while stuck in chronic self-observation (also feeling that identity is disappearing, or has already vanished).
Usually, but not exclusively, these altered states include debilitating anxiety and overwhelming preoccupation that a total loss of reality is only moments away. There may be pervasive beliefs of literally €œwilling oneself€ to remain sane, along with a morbid fear of (and resisted wish for) total surrender to what seems to be an impending psychosis. Over time, the patients believe they are losing more of the self, and while actual reality-testing remains intact, the feeling of reality diminishes. There are increasing doubts about the actual existence of an external reality and the sufferers often harbor secret thoughts that they have only conjured up the world and their own being. Bizarre ideas may include a notion of being the only person in the world, or of existing merely as a thought without a body. Thoughts can develop about being the singular author/director/producer of one's perceived existence (as is true in a night dream). Such ideas often lead to overwhelming ruminations on the nature of being human. The result is increased withdrawal into one's own mind, which encourages social isolation and enhances the feeling of alienation.
Hope this helps.
Danielle, Bilingual Health Educator