Hi CM...and everyone else too. So much great support and advice already given but I'm here to share my thoughts too :)
As I mentioned before I can relate to this on every level..More than I'd care to remember actually - lol. Losing my mind, going crazy, being locked away, never getting better etc. These were (I guess still are) the hardest thing for me to deal with during my lowest points. I would just start to not be afraid of a "thought" and another one would take it's place. The harder I fought it the stronger they were... It was terrifying and frustrating. My logic would tell me that it was not true but my fear response was so over the top that those thoughts became stronger...my fear fueled them like gasoline.
As for the depersonalization I've experienced that too. On many levels. The mirror... Just all of a sudden feeling as though I'm outside of my body etc. Yikes... As much as I don't like this feeling, I don't fear it anymore.
As with most of my fears education is key. The more I know about it the less I feared it. The less fear I felt the less daunting the thought became...if that makes any sense. Once I stopped struggling they (the fears) left me alone. I personally believe for myself anyways that it is a power struggle. All my fears are based on losing control in one way or another. Mentally, physically, emotionally etc. I like to control so much of my life... since childhood really. I find when I started to not NEED to control everything things went so much smoother. It's a challenge I work on often as different situations arise... and I need to "let it go"... or "not stress about it"...I have a lot of OCD tendencies and that plays into it a lot I believe. Obsessive thoughts are brutal... and debilitating at times but there is a LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
You're definately not alone !!...and I would love to chat more as I think a lot of what you're experiencing is a mirror of what I went through. I've had amazing years in between though... and my life for the majority is awesome. Once in awhile they creep back in but I find I can usually find a reason... hormones... poor diet... etc.
For me medication has been a godsend. I'm not one to push pharmaceuticals but I had exhausted all options in alternative health from excercise, yoga, running, meditating etc.
Now I use both and find the stigma of being on meds doesn't bother me a bit.. Quality of life is so much better than just not taking them to say I don't.... Life is too short...
Anytime you want to talk Caden.....
DM