I am trying to relax but I am not sure how I am succeeding. I am just trying to survive all this, one moment at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time. I keep wondering how come I am still breathing. My heart is pounding, my breath keeps catching, my throat keeps feeling too tight, like it is contracting,...I don't know what to do. It takes watching a movie and playing on the computer jst to kep me from freaking out. I was considering taking one of my anxiety pills but I am not sure because I try not to take too many becuase they can be addictive.
I feel guilty. I feel guilty for having him euthanised. I keep reminding myself he was suffering and it ws better for him but I feel guilty. I feel guilty anytime I start relaxing like I am betraying him. I keep hoping this is all a nightmare and I will wake up. Anyway, me and my panic and sorrow and grief will stop putting all this on here. Sorry for being such a bummer.
I feel scared and nauseous and sad and panicky and guilty and just plain horrible right now. I keep trying to hold on to the positive. He is not suffering anymore. He is at peace. I saved him a lot of suffering. A rainbow appeared just for him. I loved him he must have known that.
I just keep doubting all that. I hurt everywhere. I am scared. I don'T know how to deal with this. I feel like there is a huge whole in my heart and it won't ever go away. I wish I knew for sure he is ok and that I did the right thing.
But I felt hopeful to know that you saw a rainbow after the vet. That gives me chills. I think he may be giving you a sign. He will always be with you.
Today, Friday the 8th of August 2008, between 5pm and 5:45 pm, my lovely cat Oscar passed away at the veterinarian.I feel so guilty. Like I murdered him or had him murdered. During the procedure he got scared and cried. I feel so guilty and horrible. What if he is mad at me or what if he thought I was getting rid of him! I love him so much what if he didn't know? I don't know hoe I am going to deal with this. My house is so empty. I ache everywhere. I want my cat back! I miss him! He isn't coming home ever! I wish I knew how to deal with this but I don't. I feel so sad and depressed. I love my cat. I want him to be ok. Do you think he went to heaven. I hope so. I remembered what someone said about the rainbow bridge that goes to heaven for animals. Do you think we will be in the same heaven? Will I see him again?
When we left the vet's office there was a rainbow, a big beautiful rainbow in the sky. I miss him. My house is so empty. There is a huge whole in my heart.
May he rest in peace. He is much loved. I feel so bad, my hear is pounding. I hurt everywhere...
