my brother and i don't get along so well - we have very different opinions about very important core beliefs, but we have learned to keep our relationship in the space where we do get along.  we both have a good sense of humor and can tell jokes, stories, and talk lightly.  When conversation drifts into more serious territory, my lips are sealed...even when words are burning through them!!  Its not worth it though, it doesn't matter what i say, and he is family and will always be a part of my life, so now i have learned to fit him into my life even if its on a superficial level...better than nothing, right?  Is there a neutral space you and your brother can get along in?

Ashley, Health Educator

My name is Rich, I'm anxious because I just want to end my relationship with my brother Doug because I am angry after the condescending e-mail he sent me. (see below) Why should I apologize to him? I'm not sure if he has OCD, can you tell me? He may not want to admit to it but he has had therapy in general. I don't know for what. He doesn't want to shake hands with me or anyone and also he uses hand sanitizer. For example, when we went to the museum he and his ex-wife whipped out the hand sanitizer after touching the exhibits. At his house, he told his ex-wife "No mail in the kitchen" because he fears that it has anthrax on it. He got a divorce and his ex-wife cited mental cruelty because I know how he can be: very controlling. Everything must be in its place. Don't dare put something back where it doesn't belong. When you go to the movies with him, he wants to sit in the back row next to the wall. And I just give in and accept that because I'm trying to be the nice older brother. When we watch a movie at home, he will not allow talking during the movie, if you say one peep during the hour and a half he says, "I don't like talking during the movie. I lose the continuity of what's going on." He used to brush his teeth for an hour. When we visit my mother's house he has to have his own dish towel on the back of a kitchen chair to dry his hands after using the kitchen sink. He warns everyone not to dry their hands on "his" dish towel. Does he sound like he has OCD? I e-mailed him about joining this online OCD Group and he e-mailed back: "Why would I be interested in an OCD group?: Do you ever actually listen to me when we talk?"

I confronted him as delicately as possible and he has responded:

"Rich, I'm not going to get sucked into this and defend myself. Obviously you think you've got me all figured out, just like you've figured out every person and personality in our family. You've built your case against me, ignoring what I've told you about OCD, about myself, and what two trained doctors of psychology have said about me. I've noticed that you ignore alot of what I say to you. Well please try not to ignore this. I would like you to consider that you are a serial pathologizer. You have a tendancy to pathologize every behavior of everybody you know. This is unhealthy for you and very unhealthy for your relationships. I devote more time and energy to our relationship than I do to most others. But you are making it harder and harder for me to want to do this. Please think about what I said about you being a serial pathologizer and tell me what you think.

I know you think this OCD email was an attempt to be helpful, but it just showed me that you have taken it upon yourself to approach our relationship more as a therapist than as a friend. It also showed me that you have been secretly monitoring my behavior, keeping a list, and building a case against me. This makes me feel like you are judging me, and have been for years, which makes me not want to be around you. Your email also confirmed for me that you listen to me selectively, hearing a skewed version of events that jibes with your pre-formed world view. I never asked you to be my therapist, so please stop monitoring and pathologizing me. Doug"

I feel yelled at. Do you think he's yelling at me? Does he have OCD? What opinion do YOU have?


Rich