...that is what I have. And it feels SO damn ridicules to worry so much over something that just MIGHT happen.

I joined this program 2 days ago, and it seems like a very good one. Never tried anything online before.

For the ones off you that have the time and will to read a little I would like to introduce my self. (or rather my anxiety maybe)

I had my first panic attac several years ago, I had been feeling depressed, stressed and nervous for a couple of weeks. And BAM - one night, watching a scary movie with my boyfriend (now x-boyfriend), my first panic attack hit me! God I was scared, but I did understand that it was all in my mind, and nothing that could kill me. What I didnt know was that this anxiety wouldn’t give me a "serious" mental illness, like schizophrenia.

However, after this first panic attac I was SO scared. Didn't know what was going on, and it got worse and worse. My next panicattack came in the line in a grocery store (classic huh?) I wish I had known that this actually WAS classic when it happened to me. I remember my first thought when panicking in the store. "Ok, I'll just never go shop again". So big was my fear that I didn’t recognize how silly that sentence was. "I'll just never go shop again". Like if that would solve my problem...

Weeks and months went by. I got worse and worse and mostly stayed home, and if I left my apartment it was together with my boyfriend or in my car. Never by bike or bus or my own two feet.

I started to see a  CBT therapist, and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told me to start with SSRI  (sertraline/zoloft) immediately, but scared of everything as I was, I refused. I went on in therapy for a year and a half. Progressing in very very small steps. But still progressing.

After a year and a half I decided to try out medication. And at this time I don’t really remember how long time it took, but I got SO SO SO much better. I think approximately after 6 months, I was healthy and free from all kinds of anxiety. It was like I never had experienced it. I could go back to public transportations, movie theatres, flying. Everything normal people does!

After eating my meds for almost 3 years I decided to quit taking them, cuz I felt all well. About 6 months after quitting on the meds I get another panic attac. On a bus. Of course.

I immediately start taking my pills again, but this time I feel bad from taking them. The anxiety is so bad that I think I’m really going to die from it this time. (something I never thought before) I almost got “high” on them. In a very very bad way. Like taking speed or something. So I satisfied with half the dosage (50 mg) and now I could control my anxiety again. But still avoiding to be alone at lik buses and trains and stuff like that. This went on for like a year or so. Then I started to feel bad again. I got a panic attac at my work, and "general anxiety" pretty much all the time… this time I decided to try to increase my dosage of sertralin again. I’ve tried that for 2 weeks now, and I don’t have the same problems as before, with the feeling of being “high”. But I still have anxiety. And I know it’s only been 2 weeks since I increased my dosage but I want to be well again!!! How long time will it take this time?

What if I never get well….

This autumn I’m moving abroad to study medicine, hopefully. But not if I still have this anxietyproblem. I have so much anxiety every day… I just want it to go away so I can live my life like a normal person! I HATE it!

Ooops… this was a lot of writing… well if u read it, creds to you. I guess I needed to get it out of the system…

Big hugs to y’all out there!