Hello everyone,
First I wanted to thank Davit specifically for all your posts during the last month to me and to others. This month I have had more gains than years prior with other counselling and your posts have been a part of that for sure. No question.
I think it is a month since I joined. My last big attack was 2 weeks ago.
Today I still have a lot of 'what if' and worry thoughts but I challenge every single one of them, to greater or lesser degrees throughout the day (and night). Sometimes I explore them in depth and sometimes I distract myself for a while.
I have much greater emotional awareness than I did a month ago. When I feel something, I don't automatically start to panic anymore.
When I do "go inside" myself and take apart or analyze a negative thought or core belief, I do so in a more managed fashion. Once I've felt I exhausted the process for the time being I move on and take a bath or something relaxing. And (this is key) I don't feel bad about that anymore. whereas I used to feel bad about relaxing and enjoying myself. I still have the thoughts "do you deserve this bath / chocolate bar" but I answer yes now instead of letting the thought eat away at me.
Thanks to Davit's posts and explanations about feelings and other things, I feel comfortable feeling sad for the first time in my life. I am able to feel something without anxiety and panic joining in as unwelcome sidekicks.
When i am sad or frustrated I repeat in my head "I am sad. This will pass. It always does." and it is true. And I let myself be sad. Some days I am sad once, or 3 times or 6 times, and that is OK. No one is harmed by me being sad and needing to let out some tears for 10 or 15 minutes. I believe this now.
When I read the posts here now where people say this program works, i believe it, whereas when I joined, I wanted to believe it, but didn't believe it as much as I do now.
This work on myself has changed what I expect from people around me in terms of respecting my needs, and respecting me in general. When I am misunderstood, I still get angry which is ok, except I lash out at people verbally when I am angry and I don't want to do that. There is work to do there. I don't walk away when I am angry and I know that is the only sane option. Arguments don't go anywhere good when I am angry. I know that, I just need to practice walking away and being ok with being angry without letting the negative thoughts ramp up while I am feeling angry.
I have stopped pursuing a couple specific friendships where I was previously doing all the work (the one to phone them, ask them to go to dinner, etc.. and they never reciprocated). I have realized I want more equitable friendships. I hope that maybe these friends, whom I've had for a while and had good times with, will pick up the ball and ask how I am doing but I know that may not happen and that this is not the end of the world.
Now that i've stopped trying to make people in my life my caretakers, I am more lonely, but less panicked about this. Yes today I will have to keep busy or else I will probably easily spiral into thinking the worst about my relationships ending and no one being there for me as a friend or support person, but I am on the right path. Over time, the way I want to think will become more and more habitual. The thoughts I don't want to have will get buried over more. It does take time, and in the meantime I have to do things I am not comfortable with - patience, and letting go of trying to control other people in my life. This is the hardest thing I face today but it is absolutely necessary and I know that.
I wanted to post this to let people know how the process works for me. Everyone's pace and process is a bit different here from what I've read, but I know it is helpful to new people espeically to see people's progress.
I am sure i have some low times ahead. Emotions are my triggers and you can't live without emoting. Well you can try, I did, but it isn't good. But I am going to stick by myself more now.
