Honestly, what I think gives me the ability to hang in there is that I have no other choice. If this were any other situation with any other job, I would probably have quit whatever it was by now if I was feeling this way. But the internship I am working is just a part of the hard work I've already put into my degree, and I just don't want to run away from the process anymore. Plus I really love the work itself, it's the presence of anything that makes me feel trapped by commitment that I use as an excuse to obsess. Depression is much more a part of the mix, because of that. I realize how much acceptance really has to go into it, too, and how much of my resistance I have to let go of. Boy, what a daunting prospect.
To update you, I'm having a hard day. I fell asleep pretty easily last night, but then my partner struck a fever in the middle of the night and was tossing and turning so much that it basically kept me up every hour or so. I was really angry this morning, until I realized how sick she is, and then all I could do was worry that I was going to get that sick too, when I cannot really afford to be sick. I felt pretty guilty once I got home, because I can't let myself take care of her like I want to, because I am afraid. Like I said, I have optimism about the situation on the whole, but these dark days really can weigh on me. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. As badly as I don't want to be doing this, I want to work through it if it means there is something brighter on the other side. All I can do is just try again tonight.
To answer your question, Ashley, I suppose what I am really learning is that I will be okay, even if I don't feel great all the time. My general milestone has been the two-week mark in the past, where after two weeks I usually "can't take any more" and I find some excuse to quit what I am doing... of course then I feel just horrible about myself. I just don't want to do that to myself anymore. Sure, I'm sad that I'm not happy, but I at least know I'm not doomed, and feeling that way significantly reduces my panic. Not liking the way I feel is so vastly different from feeling out of control. This entire experience is a gift, even as painful as it can be. I just want to prove to myself that I am strong, since so many people seem to believe it is true.
