I started my daily log today for my therapist and I am having trouble with it! I identified the even, thought, and mood but having problems with positive counter. I woke up this morning after seven hours sleep with that "dreaded morning feeling" you know the one with the nervous knots in the stomach, butterflies and queasy, also very exhausted feeling like I have not slept at all. Then the depression sets in, the feeling of weariness, dreariness and no energy, just wanting to crawl back into bed. The only "counter" I could think of is possible PMS of approaching period, but its never this bad, I feel so tired so achy and looking in the mirror makes it worse! I am trying SO hard to think positive, but my mind and body is fighting me on this, does that make sense? I am hoping this daily log, and my panic diary will establish some sort of pattern to my bad/sad moods.
Is it "normal" when the panic's decrease to have depression set in? and some lingering feelings still of anxiety and dread? I know I have gotten a little better, but I do not want to "trade" panic for depression, and the anxiety in tummy still there. I think I am scared of not getting better, and I know that is a negative, I just wish I could take an antidepressant and not have those horrific side-effects, maybe it would "jump-start" my brain, but I do not want to end up in ER again, that was a bad time.
I am going to try to do some light housework, eat a healthy dinner, and walk the dogs, to maintain some routine. I guess what I am asking is WHY the depression is still here and lingering anxiety when the panic's have more or less stopped, the full-blown one's, and believe me I am so grateful for that! I just thought I would feel better. My primary Doc has no answers for me, he shuns away from that issue, he is great with the physical, but not this. With the holidays coming I have to get it together , I cannot expect my husband to do everything. My therapist said my body is just exhausted from months and months of daily panic attacks, and I agree, but I should start feeling a little more energy and happiness by now, its hard to fake it too, my therapist said my face has the "mask of depression" which is probably true. I am trying to build up the courage to go get my hair done, its looks like a rats nest, I am hoping to find someone to come to my home and do it, I would be too nervous in a busy beauty salon, all those people and fumes! I feel like crying right now and trying NOT too. Did anyone ever feel like this even after stopping the attacks? I am still believing in CBT! I know I want too lick this and feel human again, I guess its going too take more time, I will try to think up and positive till this passes, I know that is the key and the answer.
