Np Maggie, i will always try to be there for you when it is possible for me :) I hope my post helped a bit. You have my full support and encouragement! Now i must go to do my exam. But i will be back later and hope to hear how you are doing :) -Diva

Thank you very much for putting in the time to write me even though you were exhausted and have an exam tomorrow. If anything it was really nice to get some support 'tonight'. I wish you lots of luck on your exam tomorrow, and am sure you'll do great! Thanks again Diva.~

Hiya maggie i am sorry that this post will have to be short. I have an exam tomorrow and i am edgy and nervous and scared and i need my sleep to cope with the stress tomorrow . But i did want to show you some support. I have taken my meds to sleep so i dont know how long i will be able to stay on and write to you. I was about to go bedy-bye. Anyway, i know exactly how you feel me and my husband went through this years ago. It was really really bad. He couldnt take it anymore and neither could i but i felt like i needed him so bad and couldnt live without him and it mad him more fed up. My symptoms were so bad then i dont even want to list them all. Too depressing. Anyway, i cannot tell you if your relationship is worth saving or not. I am no marriage councilor. I think the importnat thing is to know if there is still love there. If so it can be saved. But as i said the marriage councelor thing i am not so good at as some of my posts have shown. But i do want to tell you it was bad and i mean BAD, awful with me and my husband at a certain time. And now we are still together and have been living together for a bit over 10 years now. IT is up to you to decide if you want to fight for it and mostly if it is worth it to you. As for you needing him, in a way that is an illusion. The best, number one person able to take care of you, is you. This is a lesson i learned the hard way! The very hard way! But now that i have realized that i am making progress in my life. I am working towards being responsible for myself and being self sufficient. Of course those goals are spread over years lol but everyday i try to make headway. The more i feel like i can take care of myself on my own the better and safer i feel. It was just hard for me to admit to myself that i was the key to getting better. And when people told me that i hated them for it! i mean really hated them! It doesnt mean you dont need support and to be surrounded with people who love you, it just means that you dont need to be saved becomes you can save yourself. Anway, i think i am rambling i am sleepy cause of the meds. Just remember i beleive in you. I beleive you have it in you to get better. I beleive you have it in you to work the prgram and beat your fears. Like a knight slaying the dragon. I belei

Well, what can I say My boyfriend and I have been fighting every night for the past 3 nights. We havent really been spending time together for about a week or two now. Its been hard because I recently began treatment for a medical condition (that I must be dedicated to for a whole year), and he hasnt really been around. I understand we have been on different hours for a while now up until 2 days ago, but even when our hours would cross, he would barely even acknowledge that I was awake. Anyhow, I think a lot of this has gotten to me/us and so towards the night time we land up fighting. Sometimes I even land up getting really upset and blaming him for my current situation (not entirely, but partially). Of course I am not the only one being hurtful during these times, but it doesnt make it any more right. I have been having panic attacks around the clock as a result of the confrontations and fights- and tonight I almost went to the hospital. I honestly thought there must be something else wrong with me because I was feeling so desperate, depressed, panicked, and the most incredible doom you could probably ever feel. I had moments where I felt like collapsing and screaming at the top of my lungs while in a fetal position (and maybe even ripping my very own hair out of my head). I didnt do it, but the feelings where very much there and VERY strong. We have been fighting so badly to the point that we are on the verge of breaking up. Well, we have been mentioning me moving out every day for the past 3 days since these awful, awful arguments. I think he is fed up with me. I dont know what to do. If this is all on behalf of the panic disorder, it is absolutely destroying my life! I feel like I am seconds from going to the hospital and asking for anti-psychotics. I just cant handle theses emotions that come with such stress. I think because I am doing this other treatment at the moment too, that it makes me feel even more brain fogged, high and derealized; which consequently makes me feel like I am going to lose control and do something crazy. There is so much to say about this entire thing but in the end I just want to fix this. I dont know, in these recent fights, I am just feeling like I can never ever get over this disorder if I stay here. I

I really agree with Isabelle here. Having a therapist really is a great asset. It enables you to have impartial and yet caring help in your life. I go to the therapist every week at the moment. I know later it will taper off. It has really helped me to have my therapist around to help me figure everything out. I agree that even people with no anxiety could benefit from a good therapist. But one way or another we are all here for you to listen to you encourage you and understand you :) -Diva

Maggie, I really encourage seeing the therapist/psychologist. They have really been a big help for me in just being able to talk to someone who isn't biased in any way and who can give you a different perspective on things. I was going weekly, then every two weeks, and now I am down to once a month. I found it helpful to get things out and try to understand where my anxiety comes from and how to deal with it and cope with stress in a more effective and productive way. I think everyone would benefit from a psychologist, not just us "anxiety-ridden" individuals but "normal" people as well. It is very cathartic to just let whatever is bothering you out so it is no longer eating you up inside. You'll have to keep me posted on everything. And if you don't get to one, I am always here to give you my two cents and to listen ;) Thanks for all your support and encouragement!

Oh trust me, I used to be the same way about my physical symptoms (thats how this all started in the first place). I must have been extremely dizzy or off balance for about 8 months straight at one point. I was visiting doctors on a weekly basis probably and visited the ER twice for attacks I was having as well. I probably would have kept going to the ER but didnt want to frustrate my boyfriend further. Now I am going through the psychological or mental fears of it all. Hopefully I become okay with this in time too as I have with pretty much all of my physical symptoms now. Of course I still feel them and sometimes even worry momentarily, but by no means does it consume my life anymore. And surprisingly enough, I dislike going to the doctors now more than you will ever know-LoL. Anyhow, I hope I can battle this off too. It just seems like there is so much proof showing me that I am asylum bound, but sometimes I felt I had proof back when I was obsessing about the physical symptoms as well. I think I will do what you are doing too, and go speak with a therapist very soon. I would like to be able to let out some of these fears and troubles to someone who can give me guidance in person as well. Until then, I will try to stay as rational and positive as possible. Thank you for everything again. It means a great deal to me. XoooX.

I am sooo much like you in the sense that our experiences are very close to the same. And as for auto-pilot, I feel that I appear to be fine to everyone and everyone comments on how well I have been and how good I am doing but on the inside I am anxious, talking myself out of a panic attack, or thinking about what could be wrong with me. I am getting better though and you will too it just takes time and patience. I look back to last year this time and I was a mess. I was constantly worried I was going to die, I was going to the ER for every panic attack, I was obsessive about my health. It was a horrible time and looking back I think I was depressed too because I was so negative and thought things would never get better. I know what you are going through Maggie and hard it is to convince yourself that you don't have this or that. I still worry about heart attacks and strokes even though it is totally irrational to some people, but the fear is so real. You are like that with bipolar but you will eventually convince yourself that you don't have it. Just be rational about things and try to think positively too. That really helped me get out of the negative thought pattern that I had fallen into. Thank you so much for your kind words and support as well. The abuse that I endured was surely what brought out the panic attacks because I was so used to being controlled so when I wasn't being controlled anymore, the panic attacks came and they started to control me. It has been a rough road and I still haven't been able to talk about some of the things I went through because they are too painful but since I started seeing a wonderful psychologist, he has helped me tremendously and I am slowly getting my "old self" back again. I have faith that you will get your old self back too, just be patient and positive. I will always be here to help if I can and listen if I can't. ~Isabella~

[font=Georgia] Isabella~ Please never ever apologize for writing a lot. I really appreciate it when you do. Trust me; I completely hear what you are saying. There are times when my stress levels are low that I already find myself thinking, What the heck was I thinking/ LoL. But then restless nights find me, and I my mind spirals in worry again. Aside from that one incident, I cant ever say that Ive acted out of character. I mean, I really do think I blow that situation quite out of proportion because I know that I was still caring of peoples emotions and not at all apathetic during that time. So in many ways, I was still very much myself. It seems the only person that was/is worried about my behavior at that time is me. But you know how we panic-ridden individuals think though; we take our fears and apply them to almost all aspects of our lives. Its been tough letting go of this fear for once and for all more so because my half brother (same mother, diff father) suffers from mania or something like it. Surprisingly enough, he is doing a heck of a lot better in his life than I am( which should only come to show that it wouldnt be all that bad and moreover, exactly how debilitating panic disorder really is.) He has shown major symptoms since he was very young too and I was quite a stable and happy child. I try and think rationally as often as I can, but the real trick is recognizing when you are ruminating and when times are tough. Sometimes I feel like I am simply on auto-pilot. For ex, it may look like I am watching a movie (and I think I am) but I am actually ruminating non-stop. Once again, I thank you very kindly for your words and your time. Also, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had to endure that kind of pain during and following your abusive relationship. I wish I had known you then so I could have helped you in whatever way I could. Youre doing amazingly well now though, and thats what really counts. I am SO proud of you Isabella. You are wonderful! Thank you again. [/font]

Maggie, You have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed for your post. We all go through tough times and we all do things from time to time that are out of our character so I would never place judgement on you or anyone else. Well now I understand why you could think that you were bipolar during that time but you must understand that you had a lot of stress going on in your life and that can make things seem worse than they really were. You may be blowing things from that time out of proportion or reading into them too much. Aside from that one episode were there any other times when you didn't feel like yourself or act like yourself? If not, then don't worry about it. I had a similar situation after I got out of an abusive relationship. I developed insomnia, started going out alot and then getting up early to go to class and then working. Finally I broke down and had my first panic attack. I was under alot of emotional stress from the break-up and the abuse I endured. You have to understand that you were going through a tough time thinking you and your boyfriend of many years were going to break up so that stress may have caused you to do things that you thought would help you cope. You didn't act all crazy, you didn't go on a shopping spree, you didn't do off the wall things that had people worried about you. You just went through a rough time and most of us have been there. Now if you had many episodes over the years that resembled that then you could question yourself but I think it is safe to say that you are going to be fine and you aren't bipolar. Say it with me Maggie, I am not bipolar LOL. I am not minimizing your fear because I have been there but the sooner you come to terms with things then the sooner you can recover. I truly believe you will get over this and you will look back and say, "what in the hell was I thinking thinking I was bipolar!" :) I can relate to you and I know how scary the feeling is when you think you are going crazy so I am always here to listen and empathize with you. Sorry for writing a book!