Hi Bonnie, Sorry to be a long time replying to your last post here. Partly because work got in the way, and partly because the whole diet-&-sticker thing got side-lined as well! But, I'm glad you liked the idea, and I may well get back to it myself any day now...! In the meantime I've made other positive steps: starting to learn the piano, which I've always wished I could play, and so far managing to practice every day and finding it a real source of pleasure and satisfaction. I've also phoned around and have found an Art group I might join, which will be good, not only for getting me painting again, but also maybe I might meet some "kindred spirits" (as Anne of Green Gables would say!) and I would love some friends living nearby. You did so well getting back to your dance workouts. I know just what you mean about how, when you were going regularly, you could do so much and feel so great, and now we have to start slow and build up to that again. But I remind myself that if I don't even START going to the gym again, I CERTAINLY won't get back to that fitter state! So I've been, twice this week, and am just beginning to find it a little easier. A long way to go before I'm back to doing 1 & 1/2 hours cardiovascular, drinking 1 & 1/2 litres of water, and burning 1,000 calories a time, though! But I really want to get there: feel so much better about life when I'm relatively fit. Have you kept on going? If so, maybe you're getting fitter again too, by now. The workout sounds really fun. I love to "feel" the music loud, too: you're almost carried by the music then. Keep on dancing! Love, Sarajo.

Sarajo, GOOD FOR YOU. (Applause, firworks, horns!!!) You got to the gym...more than once! I know what you mean about when we are on either side of that "fence" we cannot imagine how we were ever on the other. Like I said, I finally got to my dance workout a couple of times and it was great! The first time I admit, on a scale of 1-10...while we were waiting for the teach, and just warming up to FULL BLAST music, I was about a 6. The music, which I normally LOVE loud was so loud I could feel it in my chest and Lord knows, my chest and heart were doing enough "things" already, and I, quite a few times, envisioned myself grabbing my stuff, making some lame excuse to those I have already said hello to, and leaving. But...the good news...I stayed. It took about 20 minutes for me to really feel the tension leave and the endorphins kick in. It wasn't one of my best and strong workouts, but I STAYED! I know it will take time for me to get back to knowing it is ok to feel warm, you are working out! It is ok your heart is beating faster, you are working out! Man, back in the day? I would go so hard and fast and sweat so good??? What a high...now, I just allow myself to workout in baby steps...(smile) I LOVE your idea about stickers! I used to LOVE those gold shiny stars!!! I am gonna get some. And JUST have gold star days. Not gonna get any kind of sticker for days that maybe...don't really deserve a star. NO BAD STICKERS! Thanks for the idea. Hope you got your journal started... Bonnie

Foa, So happy to hear that! Isn't it amazing how soon as you start you can already feel "hey, this could be a big help." It has helped me so much to make my little accomplishments big and important enough to stop, take the time and write. Good luck in your healing. Bonnie :)

Thank you Bonnie for sharing that. I have not done that in awhile. I just started this morning and learned a lot this morning about myself. You just challenged me to do it. Thank you so much. Foa :)

Hello Bonnie, Thanks for your post. This is really nice, keeping in touch! I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes in phases: that is, sometimes managing to keep up positive things like the gym/dancing for several weeks, then at other times finding it impossible! And just as you said, whilst you're in either phase, you can't imagine how you could be the other way...for example, I did go for the 2nd visit to the gym today, and enjoyed it, and now can't quite understand how I wasn't able to go for so long! I totally relate to what you said about being negative without realising it, and you made me smile at your examples of the way you sometimes tag on a negative to a positive remark! In fact, someone at work said to me that she thought I needed to go on "one of those courses" (for building up self-esteem, I suppose) because I come across as putting myself down a lot...! And I thought I was just being more honest than everyone else, about finding some things at work difficult! I must try listening to myself: I bet I do say negative things without thinking, too! I've been told more than once (by my husband, amongst others!) that I worry too much (no surprises there!) and that I do that pointless & negative thing of "if only"s!! You know, going back over the past and getting all stressed about previous mistakes or bad decisions.....not exactly helpful or a good use of time, really! His attitude is that you can't do anything about the past (so, no point wasting energy on stressing about it!); all you can do is decide to do better/different from now on....he's so wise about that. Sort of on the subject of the (still imaginary!) journal, and making it colourful...well, a while ago I used to reward myself, for dieting successfully, with a pretty sticker for each day (childish, but fun!). This used to work for a while, to help me get through "munchy" moments, but of course when the days came that I strayed off-course, I didn't like to see the "no sticker" gap on the chart.... Well, in keeping with my current "allow yourself to be human and don't be so hard on yourself" (or rather, "be positive about even small steps..") frame of mind, I'm now awarding myself a sticker for ANY success that day! So, today and yesterday of course I have stickers for goi

Sarajo, Yes I totally agree that just "thinking" about doing something positive for yourself in the future, even if it takes time to "find" the time (I have been there too), is really a big and easy step to feeling more motivated and positive. It must have to do with what I am learning in this other program I am working on. We, people who struggle with anxiety, panic and or depression, tend to think alot of negative thoughts. I always thought I was so positive until I was made to "listen" to myself throughout the day. ****! Am I a negative thinker. Even as simple as.."wow, what a great sunny day...hope the fog doesn't roll in and ruin it later" or "That was a delicious dinner I just made...boy I would hate to know how many calories that was..." That is negative. So I am now catching myself and not adding those second sentences. I am trying to say/think more positive things. So, even your just "planning" to get to that journal, and the feeling it is giving you just thinking about it, I am sure is helping change your mood. And the gym? Three months!? Good for you. I know EXACTLY where you are. I do a dance workout and FINALLY got back after a few months of not being able to. Just been back a few times, but a few weeks ago I thought I would never see the day again. Definitely something to write in that journal of yours. Even if you didn't make it or feel your best, the trying is just as good. Bonnie

Hi Anne-Marie, Bonnie & everyone, Well, I did it! I really did go to the gym, and somehow this time I felt less self-conscious, more relaxed and more self-accepting, than I have there before. I thought of you all: thank you! I'll go again tomorrow and aim to keep it up regularly now. Love, Sarajo.

Hey that's great, Sarajo! Let us know how it goes.

Hello Bonnie & everyone, Thanks for your reply. I must admit (lots of work this week) I haven't started my "good things" journal yet, but it's kind of ticking over in the back of my mind: as I'm busy with other stuff I find myself thinking, "oh yes, I could write about something nice one of my children said to me," etc. So even though pen hasn't reached paper yet, the idea of the journal is helping turn my thoughts to the positive already. And don't you find that it's a really good thing to have some kind of creative project in mind, even when you have to wait a while before you have the time/energy/money to carry it out? For example, I remember always feeling happy when I'm planning to re-arrange or re-decorate a room in my house, or do something new in the garden, or make something for the house or as a present. I suppose even just thinking about making some improvement to your home environment is a very positive thing: it makes you feel you are able to make life better and have some control over things. Over the years I've done less of this than I wanted: somehow the depression, or whatever, drained all energy or ability to get up and "do something" from me. And then the fact that I haven't done anything makes me feel like a failure...downward spiral! But since joining this site a few days ago and having felt able to "talk" to you all, I can feel that precious energy returning and things feel possible again! I know from experience that this mood comes and goes...but maybe if the energy slides away again I'll be more able to get it back now I've all you friends to talk to even (or rather, especially) during a bad patch.... Wish me luck, everyone, I'm going to be very brave now and get out of that front door and go to the gym...first time in 3 months! Love, Sarajo.

Sarajo, What a great idea to make it a beautiful and colorful journal. Anything to make it positive and special. I know when you are in the deepest part of it all, it is very hard to find positives. When I first started, it was kind of hard to even think it would feel good to say two things like..."Went to post office today. No line! It was great! Also, Dropped off overdue library books finally. Didn't just THROW them in overnight hole, went in and put them in front desk!" That would be about it with a little "feel so good about myself" here and there. It felt pretty good to write nothing but good, so I continued. It just took a couple of days to be able to find more things even if tiny, that made me feel really good to put down. Sometimes I even got tired of writing cause I was going into such exiciting detail...(smile). Within days, I was feeling so much better about myself, realizing "I am getting better. Maybe in baby steps, but they are still steps forward." Let us know how "pretty" your "happy" journal turns out. It sounds like it will be really special. Bonnie ;p