I know I'm not alone. Every day I have to go into the world, put on the mask and pretend I'm okay. I parse my worlds carefully, for I know other people prefer the pretense of denial. What we are is unacceptable in any sense. We are unacceptable to ourselves; we are unacceptable to God.
Obviously, I'm here to work through the program. I would really like to feel better. But I won't do it at the cost of believing a lie. That we have worth--is that lie.
As to discussing this with my doctor--that's a foolish suggestion. It would cost me everything: my job, my retirement, my career and possibly what remains of a very bad marriage. If I want my children to eat, I have to keep my problems as invisible as possible.
