Hi pipsqueak,
It's amazing how many of us there are. I was also the one in our family who seemed to have things together. I am the big sister, the one that everyone else comes to. Sometimes I think it is just too difficult for family members to deal with our illness. They're just too close to the problem. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to my mother fretting about my sister, worrying that she could be suicidal. The ironic thing is my sister has told me she would never even consider suicide, while I, on the other hand, have thought and acted on it in the past. My mom has no clue that I'm the one she should be worried about.
My husband is a great guy but he would much rather just pretend that my illness doesn't exist. If I don't say anything life goes on it's usual way and he's very content to let it be so. So a lot of times I suffer in silence. Even the one or two friends that I have confided in, feel helpless or uncomfortable if the subject comes up too often. (I don't have that many friends and I really don't want to wear them out!)
My saving grace is that I have found a psychologist with whom I feel really comfortable. Since he has no direct emotional connection to my life, I can tell him anything I'm feeling without feeling like I'm hurting him or letting him down.
My son is in the Air Force so I know what you are saying about the military but I think your best chance of getting help is from a professional. Is there a community health center where you are stationed? If not, you may just have to go through the system, as tough as it is. And if and when you find a counselor or therapist with whom you feel comfortable, you HAVE to tell them everything you are feeling which can mean dragging up stuff you don't really want to look at. But if it's eating away at your soul because it's not being expressed, you may just have to white-knuckle it and let it out.
But in the mean time, places like this can help. Just knowing you are not alone is a comfort.
Take care!
