Hi Ashley, As Angel the other moderator already suggested, please do not wait any longer to discuss these issues you are having with a professional. Casey ____________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

oh..I forgot to answer your thing.. I did take the depression test...I saved it and sent it to my email addy. I dont currently have a doctor to give it to. I am casually looking for one..if I go impatient again i will probably end up with one. It usually takes getting me to the very very edge before I find some sort of doctor..I am goraphobic..and bipolar..I have post traumatic stress disorder. Clinical and Chronic depression brought on by both a chemical imbalence and by traumatic incedents throughout my life,abandonment issues and personality disorders. An Unrealistic fear of life and death,and major trust issues with both sexes but mostly men. I live in an imagionary world and never emotionally developed since I was a child...so basically in a lot of ways I am still a little girl. Basically when all this **** happened to me I shut down and started to live outside myself(never really developed an identity)..never really growing up..so I still play with dolls and dont get adult humor sometimes...I am really childish..and when I do meet people which is rare to never they either find it endearing or extremely annoying. I am a cutter, have a history of eating disorders and self medicating...I am also a highly addictive personalty...but I have never used street drugs or get drunk more than 3 times a year. I do have a problem with pills sometimes..and I smoked for a while, but off an on enough that I quit. I am manipulative too.. and extremely controlling. I have kind of an idiot savant thing going...and I am extremely intuitive. I usually know what my therapists/doctors are thinking...and I also know how to answer all their questions to get what I want, or the reaction that I want.. When I go impationt I usually pack a suitcase and lots of personal belongings..and set up house in my room...which is almost always a private room or I throw a huge fit and end up sidated everyday till they give me what I want. I also eat alone in my room and if they dont let me I dont eat. The last time I was inpatient this happend so I starved myself till they gave in which was 5 days. -ash Edited on 11/18/2004 @ 8:17:23 PM by The NicoTest Support Team

Yeah, I am not doing all that great..to put it mildly. But to be honest I have never been doing all that great. I was sexually abused as a kid by two different people...one was when I was really little..like preschool age..and the other was a couple years after that around 7. The second time it went on from age 7 to 16..because the adult I went to for help told me to forgive and to try and help them,and bring them to God..it was my mother.(I am also adopted). I went on ritalin in 4th grade because they thought I had a.d.d it was my depression that was the problem but no one took the time to diagnose my real problems. I stayed on that medication till I was 21.. Anyway my Mom is much better now..she is very supportive...but at the time she was so busy dealing with my autistic sister's problems that they never really had a chance to help me with mine. By the time I reached junior high I was totally untrusting and paraniod and an easy target for bullies.. I also started to put on weight. Guys would tease me and ask me out on dates as a cruel joke...they would grab my chest and all sorts of stuff...they even stapled staples into my face with a stapler.. While the teacher watched no less...she just "looked away". Anyway I got in a car accident when I was in 6th grade...I was crossing the street and was hit by a pick up truck going around 60 miles and hour.. It was my first suicide attempt.. I was teased about that too...the teasing kept going. In 7th grade I went on prozac...my first of dozens of anti depressents. I dropped out of highschool in 9th or 10th..cant remmber and when to a school for keds who where suicidle.,depressed, had eating disoreders, rape victims etc. I never made it back to public school. I have been inpatient for suicide 7 times and tried to escape to kill myself 2. Once I almost made it. My last visit was for 3 months..and for those that have been you know the visits are supposed to last 3 days..just enough to stabilize you...yet I never stabilized. I have seen dozens of therapists and shrinks, and have been on so many medications I cant even remmber them. I am now totally goraphobic..I hate people,public etc. I cant hold down a job for more than 3 months before the sucidal stuff gets in the way...I hav

Ashley, You seem to be struggling with many issues today. Are you under medical care? Sometimes, when you try to get over this on your own it can get worse and if you are having suicidal thoughts, it is a sign that you are entering a crisis stage and are in need of professional help as soon as possible. I would urge you to take the free depression test we offer and print out the results. Then take them to a doctor and discuss your situation. Everything in moderation, Angela ___________________________ The Depression Centre Team

You said it venus.. I hate the way that pants fit now...I mean sure if I was a size two I would love low rise hip huggers. And yes they look great on everyone else. Its so depressing when I see someone bareing their tummy. First of all I would LOVE to be able to do that.. Or EVEN if I could be one of those girls thats like borderline..You know the type that show their tummy but probably really should't because they have slight love handles but are in denial about it. So they think they look really perfect but really everyone else can see they need a touch more time in the gym to pull that look off. No amount of denial could trick me into showing my stomach and actually feeling good about it. I have a huge waistline..if I could even call it a waist. I have tried the whole diet and excercise thing...but when you are depressed and dont care about yourself its hard to keep up with it. I used to not eat...or if I did eat very little...or throw up..and then I would walk/run 2 miles every single night..come home and drink a half a gallon of water and then do 500 stomach crunches. I did that for over 5 years.. I mean heck now I am just struggling not to cut myself,think about suicide, drink(which I dont normally do) and smoke(which I used to do and quit long ago) I am trying not to do anything bad for me...overeating is like the only thing I have...and short term its the least damaging... But its like a catch 22...even if I was to get better mentally...then I would have to deal with my weight...and that would just make me depressed again.. But when your depressed its hard to control your weight. Maybe I should just become anorexic and make my self throw up again! I know it sounds rediculus..but it was the only time I ever had control over my weight...now that I have stopped ive blown up like a balloon..i need to get the control back. I ate an entire carton of ice cream today!!!(not at once, but it might as well have been) I meen obviously thats not right...but these steriotypes that woman are forced to live up to are complete bull****. I am so sick of it. I cant wait for this super skinny heroine sheek look to be over with. I meen morbidly obese will never be the ideal(because tis not healthy)...but if I knew that a size 16 would mak

I've always thought I was fat and people tell me I'm not all the time. But I have such low self-esteem and self-worth that all I tell myself is negetive things. Up until college I was never over 130 pounds...right now I am sitting at 200 pounds and it makes me cry. When I had my first boyfriend I always thought guys wanted girls to be a certain way, so I stopped eating and starved myself for about a year. I lost about 15-20 pounds by doing that. When I started eating again I gained a lot of weight back.... I joined a gym and went faithfully for about 1 1/2 years and then gave up, because I kept going up on the scale. People told me it was the muscle that was making the numbers go up..but all I saw was fat and no progress. I have trouble finding pants to fit me..because they make them so weird now...I can get them on, but they make the pants so slender now that I can't get them over my hips and I feel gigantic because I can't wear normal pants. I hate the stereotype that sits over women's heads...that's not how it should be. Back in the day men admired women with an hourglass body with a little belly....now it seems the anorexic starved look is the way to be..it's really sad. I'm trying to go on a diet and eat healthier foods and get more exercise..but it's hard to keep yourself motivated when you're depressed. When I get depressed, I eat..so I always lose my battle.

I understand.:) My mother told me the same stuff.. I was stick thin as a young child...but when I started ritalin for a.d.d(which was misdiagnosed and was really depression) I got fat over one summer..I think I gained like 30 pounds or more(I ate nothing when I was on it, but ate everything over the weekends and at night when I wasn't on it)...I was chunky for a while...then got taller and put on even more weight..My MOm had a horrable time with my weight...she nagged and nagged..she finally took me to a dietition when I was in 6th grade..this was to be the first in a long line of weight loss gimics. I weighed 140 something when I was taken to the dietition(which is nothing..but I was shorter then). I went on anti depressants..and got heavyier...and heavier...and got up to a size 16 when I was about 18 years old..but I was 5'9 so it wasn't too bad(but my Mom wasn't happy cause shes petite, and I was full figured). Then when I hit 21 I was up to a size 18(ever since then my Mom has just been insane about it...weather its stairing at me when I am eating or outright nagging or whatever). I am now 27 and I am a size 26. The depression has really taken its toll on my weight..along with the meds I have been on for the depression(been on antidepressants since 7th grade)..I have also gained weight due to steriods I am on for my asthma and I also have a thyriod conditon..I now weigh over 300 pounds. Being 27 and weighing that much..people look at you like your discusting. I am fortunate to some degree that I dont look too horrable because I am 5'9 and I wear my weight evenly... but I have so many body image issues..I did the whole eating disorder thing for a while in highschool..the no carb, weight watchers.. I did ipikak syrup,curves for women,slimfast,low fat. I got to the point where I couldn't go grocery shopping without having an anxiety attack and leaving the store in tears...actually I am still kind of at that point.. But the cart full of groceries..I have a problem with that..I will fill it was decent food..and then start counting stuff and put it all back and start over...and then do it again and again till I give up and leave a cart full of groceries in the store and just leave..LOL I cant grocery shop by myself...cant really do anything b

I have been obese for about ten years. I believe it all started when I was a teen and my mother told me to loose weight. I was not overweight, but I had a pear-shaped body, and my mother had a T shaped body; and nagged me about it. My brothers called me fatso even though I was thin. When I was in my 20's I went to a modelling agency, and lost even more weight, hardly eating anything; and going 15-20 lbs below normal. Slowly I crept back up on the scales. Eventually I gained about 30 lbs, and then I began my bulimic stage of exercising, dieting, taking laxatives, etc., later I gained 60 lbs., and again lost the weight in a bulimic way; then I went on a purely vegetable and meat diet, with hardly any carbs., and after two years, I snapped and started eating everything in sight. All through those years I was suffering from depression and through some of them I was self medicating on dramamine because of my social phobia and eventually I was taking 4 dramamine and alcohol to get to sleep at night. Finally, when two depressed friends needed help to see a doctor, I went with them and also got help. I went on Paxil, Serzone, Clonazepam, etc., and eventually on to others which worked better, but they made me gain even more weight. The doctors denighed that but it was true for me, and for others too that I knew who went through the same thing. I then tried everything over again, and add to that fasting for a whole week, in which I did not loose one pound. My weight kept creeping up over those years until I reached at top level around 245 lbs. I was tested for sleep apnea, and I had it, but the doctor said it was caused by the medications, so he did not prescribe oxygen. A few years later and I was diagnosed with a thyroid condition. I also attended hospital courses on healthy eating and eating disorders; when I learned how all the things in the past had produced the final results, as well as having a family history of obesity. Now the only thing I see that is left is stomach stapling or liposuction, or some kind of way to raise my set point to a normal level. Otherwise, my set point has been damaged, and I will never be able to loose weight in that condition. I cannot face any more dieting and weight loss schemes, however I am trying some herbal remed