I was thinking ... so excuse my ramblings ... at how each of us describe our healing process and how we describle our symptomes. I do not like to admit I have lost control of my illness and will go no further than admit to a bad day or a good day. I will will describle how I feel as miserable or as crashing. But I do not really admit to being -depressed.
I know there are the clinical requirements to Depressed. But I mean the state where I stop functioning as I normally do. Where my body just slows down to a snails pace and I watch the world race by. At these times inside I want to cry because I know I can mentally keep pace. I know that if there was some energizer bunny to replace in my neck i would be buying the e2 or the lithium.
(lithium battery and meds for bipo).
Many moons ago I thought It was me. This was my fault. Lazy. Or maybe my punishment from the higher powers. I was good, I banished the nasty thoughts - I was soooo careful so OCD. I prayed and gave myself all sorts of rituals in my head. And still all always came back. I was told I had an illness; depression. It was the way I was taught to thing and deal with the stresses of life.
Now, after several downs and stable moments I finally am beginning to understand how I am put together. A little bit of this, Some of that ... Qualities, faults, ... and all of it is wildcat.
And looking back there were the times when I watched the world stop as I raced on. So many people to discover so many places to go, so much to see and do. My parents; I had to be better than them! I knew so much more. What a joke it was to be imprisoned. I read so much about so many people and their ideas they all just ran one into the other... it was often a blur and I would get confused. I wonder what it looked like to the others on the outside? when I was a teen and a young adult? My family doctor just saw a high energy young lady trying to figure out a lot of life on my own. He was busy with sick and needy patients.
It was hard to sit still and keep focused. I thought about everything how the dynosaures died, and why descartes locked himself up to think up his philosophical notions with his basis in mathematics, and how those perpetual motion machines of davinci could be used, and why cats live in small groups but are solitary creatures, and and and that was then. I loved to follow the wind currents and see where the clouds were pushed... and the patterns in the traffic, and and and that was then. A part of then was escape. The need to move and be free. The need to explore the physical world around me! I guess it was why the two years i travelled by bike to the university were my best! I managed to focus it better! To tell the truth, The shower was a good moment to try to return to earth! and try to get to class!
As I settled into my life as a 22 yr old adult with all the insecurities and instabilities of new work and a stressed relationship and an appartment I had no more real highs; Just good days. No more flashes of creativity and insight. No more moments of instants of genius where I am one with the archetypes of the unconcious.
I miss those.
