Nothing will change unless I make changes.....
I realized that I was hoping that the medication, posting, working the program, and reading was proactive enough. But now I realize that I really do need to make some bigger changes. I'm a little better for sure, but still struggling.
Epiphanies are great things :) That old lightbulb resparked slowly at first, and then was finally glowing over my sad head. Working two jobs, raising a little boy by myself. It's too much. And because of my tendencies to think that I can always do more than I actually can, I understand that I need to break this lifelong pattern.
The really hard part is that I love both of my jobs (for different reasons). The agency I started, and my work with seniors (that's the job with the understanding boss). She called me yesterday and gave me a raise, changed my title, and gave me a staff (I was running the program by myself). This is the same woman who is allowing me to not worry about work until the 15th, and has only given me one specific project to deal with.
Of course the dilemma is letting go of my own business that is doing well-- that I put my blood sweat and tears into. That I love very much. But it is night work that I do after I do my other job.
My children are suffering, I'm suffering, and after many tears that were more about grief than depression, I decided that that is the program I need to let go of. Dealing with perpetrators is also contributing to my depression because I'm surrounded by a lot of neediness and negativity.
Anguish describes the past few days as I've struggled with this decision. My income will drop incredibly, but I'll also lose a lot of expenses that I had to make to keep the agency going. The raise will offset it a bit. I won't have to pay for as much childcare and can be there for my kids. Maybe I can even take a walk once-in-awhile, paint a picture, tickle some toes.
Maybe there will be no more snapping that "I'm busy!" when my kids need something. I might even be able to daydream instead of just handling many pressing issues and collapsing into bed.
I'm a little scared about the financials, but I've really weighed out the pro's and cons. And for anyone who cares, I still haven't smoked!
I will end this letter as I began it: Nothing will change unless I make changes.
xo to all of you.
deb
