Rowan, Thanks for opening up and sharing your experience with us. Keep taking it one step at a time and keep working with the program. It can be a slow process but the more you work at it, you'll be able to understand yourself and who you really are at a better level. We also have a sister site: [url=www.paniccenter.net]www.paniccenter.net[/url] if you think it may be helpful to you as well. We are here for you every step of the way. Keep us posted. Danielle ____________________ The DC Support Team

Hi good to hear from you. Our problems sound very similar. I've got to the point where I have awful self esteem and Im sure it's tied in to my depression and anxiety. I don't believe in myself anymore and I feel like a huge part of my personality is tied up with coping with feeling depressed that I don't have a lot left to give. I'm totally the same as you, I can give the impression that I'm this outgoing person with a great life to pretty much everyone. Because I do that so much if I do try to talk about how down I'm feeling people tend to brush it off. I guess I've always tried to act like I'm fine in the hope that one day I will believe it myself. When I talk to my parents or my friends they always ask me hows it going looking for a job? I want to scream at them that I can barely get the courage to get out of bed in the morning and im terrified to go to the shops to buy milk, let alone go to a job interview! I feel so like people don't like me or are talking about me behind my back when thats probably not true, I dont have any evidence to suggest they might be. It's very hard to know how much of my personality is me and how much is anxiety and depression. I'd love to know who I would be and what I would be doing if I didn't suffer from this. How did you do when you were off medication? That sounds like a dream to me but I think medication has its place and can give you that extra help you need when things are awful. I've always had the anxiety and panic attacks first and then the depression to follow. I totally know what you mean that we start to avoid doing certain things because the fear of what 'could' happen is just too much of a risk. I really have to force myself to get out there and do stuff, no matter how scarey that can be. I'm not sure how old you are but do you have any kids? I really worry a lot that I'll never be able to have children because it just wouldn't be fair to bring them up with me in such a mess. I just really want to feel normal! This week has been better than most and I think partly it's due to not having drunk any alcohol. Im beginning to realize that for me getting drunk is not a good move right now. As hard as it is when all my friends enjoy drinking together and going out to bars and clubs I will just have

Dogs are so awesome! They are fantastic therapy as far as I am concerned! Well, I've battled depression for most of my life, since I was a kid. It got officially diagnosed about ten years ago. Since then, I have usually been on a med (Prozac for the longest time), although for the past year I haven't been taking anything - sort of an 'experiment' in a way, guided by a psychiatrist. However, last week I started taking Effexor. I have had a couple of significant stressors in the past few months and I just wasn't coping. The past month especially, I was starting to experience really crippling anxiety. I hadn't had that in quite a long time, probably in ten years actually. I wasn't quite getting to the point of having panic attacks, but I have been avoiding people and social situations and to a large degree not even driving my car, out of fear of HAVING a panic attack. So it was really starting to interfere with my life in a big way. I could feel it creeping in, you know? But I am feeling a bit better and more confident this week, and the Effexor is supposed to be good for anxiety too. I have had some really bad moments, very low moments. Quite a few.. and the past couple of months have been awful. But for some darn reason, I seem to feel enough hope that I keep going. Some times I am close to having no hope, but there is sort of this tiny little voice inside me that says "it's going to be better, it's going to be better". But I have moments of utter despair. I usually wear a really great mask - there are people who think I just have it all together - I have fooled a lot of people. I mean, I am a smart and capable person, but most people have no clue what my inside looks like! They would be horrified! And my family, my parents and my brother, I wish they would understand but they don't. It makes them very uncomfortable when I say the "depression" word, so I just don't bring it up any more. That is almost the worst part for me, that the people I love the most kind of look down on me because of depression. And, that is why this forum is so fantastic. Everyone here knows exactly how real and how terrible depression is. So that's what it's been like for me. I have big issues with guilt, I have super-low self esteem.. I still work on these things. And a

Hey! Nice to hear from you again. I'm a little bit better today, was in a real rage with the 'system' yesterday but I've accepted that getting better is in my own hands for now. I've been working on the program more positively and went to the gymn which helped. I'm the same as you with alcohol. I used to be a huge drinker and loved it. These days I'm so aware that when I drink, the next day I will feel so horrible that it's just not worth it. I'm going to lay off the drink for a few weeks to see how that helps. I'll never stop having a glass of wine occasionally though! Your dog sounds adorable. The fireworks make me so mad. I know I'm being a misery guts and lots of people enjoy them but it drives my poor dog so crazy that i cant enjoy them anymore. I have a cross breed girlie. She's half whippet (so shes very skinny) and half labrador so she's a softie. I also suspect there's a bit of staffordshire terrier in there as shes so bullying to other dogs. She's so naughty that she was on a tv show over here about badly behaved dogs. I love her to pieces. I adore beagles, one day when i have my own place im going to get one. Apparently they're one of the most sensitive and deep thinking dogs around. I'm also a huge dog lover, it's one of the things that keeps me going and cheers me up. Whilst theres dogs being badly treated in the world I'm not going to give in to my own problems, i could be helping them have a better life. So tell me a bit more about your depression? Are you on any medication right now. Im not sure if mines helping or not. I dont want to come off it as i could crash back down, at least its making me strong enough to go out each day. Do you have panic attacks or anxiety with depression? I think that makes it tougher as you have two issues to look at. I feel a bit more upbeat today and it was so nice to read your comments. For some reason today i can see a little glimmer of hope. I hope you had a good day too.

Hi Rowan, how are you today? I know how tough it is. You have some real frustrations with your medical system and it shouldn't be that way. You have had some success with the medication though, right? Being able to leave your house now is HUGE, way to go! I know that feeling, believe me. I have to make myself go out at least once a day, so that fear doesn't overtake me. Yes, you will get better. Some say that having depression is maybe like having diabetes, you may always "have it", but you learn to manage it and you can have a great life. I think, like being a diabetic, we always have to be vigilant and try to avoid things that might work against us. For me, as an example, I love to drink wine but I just don't any more, because it's a depressant and it really affects me in a negative way. Also, it seems that some other people go through a depression, they get through it, and they never get depressed again. Either way, it is definitely possible to feel good again! Well I am thinking of you. I was interested to read about your dog! My dog just had to endure a week of fireworks going off everywhere, and she had a terrible time, I felt so bad for her!! She is a sweet little beagle, and it was so sad to see her shaking so badly. In British Columbia (well, Vancouver Island anyway), Halloween is "celebrated" with lots of fireworks. What kind of a dog do you have? (just curious - I am a HUGE dog lover!). Take care, and be good to yourself, okay? Lydster

Hi, thankyou for your comments. It's true that when I feel particularly terrible I always head to these boards as it makes me feel better that other people know exactly how I'm feeling. This week I feel like my Dog whose terrified of the fireworks going off from it being Bonfire night, everyone else knows theres nothing to be so scared of but shes terrified none the less. I feel like noone really gets what I go through on a daily basis so it makes me so happy to talk with people on these boards. What I was wanting to ask today was is it really really possible for people to get better from this? Sometimes I have these moments where I think that it is achievable and I look towards a future one day when I can live a normal life without constantly feeling like there's no point. Most of the time though I feel like it's hopeless and I wish to God I was someone else or I'd never been born. I hate pretending to the people that care about me that I'm fine but my mother has MS and I don't want to burden her and my Dad with how I'm feeling and my boyfriend is so lovely to me but doesn't get it at all. I've been on medication for two months now but I don't feel like it's made much difference to me, it's true that I can go out in my car alone now, go to the shops, go to the gymn, I can function to a certain extent, but the bigger picture still looks horrible. I just want to 'get it' I want to know how other people manage to act normal and enjoy their lives without constant fear and worry. I try so hard to follow the program here as I know it could help me but I'm such a scatter brain . I can't follow anything logical whatsoever. Every day I wake up thinking today I'll eat healthy, I wont smoke, I'll go to the gymn and Ill do some of the program and listen to relaxation cd. But every day I cant peel myself out of bed til 2pm and I end up sitting around feeling horrible or forcing myself to go out and hating every minute. I don't think I have the necessary brain organization to do this program well. I beat myself up about the smallest little thing that I don't achieve instead of saying well at least I went out of the house today and truly, two months ago I could not get one toe outside the door without crying and screaming. I just want to vent that I'm so so so an

Hi Rowan and welcome! I am relatively new here myself, maybe been registered for a month now. Before that I just browsed the various posts on the forum for a while. It seemed to take me a bit of time decide to join in.. And I have to say, I think that this is just a GREAT place. You have noticed it already - the people on the forums here, they GET it - they understand EXACTLY how you feel, the kinds of things that you think about, how it's hard to leave the house sometimes.. all of it. People here understand exactly what it feels like. That was incredibly powerful for me, because like you, I seem to live in a world that doesn't see why I can't just shake it off and get on with things. Here, though, everyone understands. Your description of your experience, of your life, just sounds SO much like my experience. Of course our lives are totally different, but you described it so well. I have often practically wished that I had cancer or something (in fact I did have cancer a few years ago, beat it, okay now), because just like you say, people can understand that and they almost treat you like a hero or something. And with depression, it's such a "secret", hushed up thing, so it's hard not to feel almost ashamed, even when you know you shouldn't... So, all that to say, there are lots of folks here who understand and who know how you feel. I know that doesnt' "cure" it for you, but believe me it's a place where you can come to vent, to cry, to ask for help, anything you need, and you will get caring and understanding feedback. The "Program" here is very good, I think. Ideally you do one session a week, and there is homework (but it's not overwhelming and of course you just do what you feel you can). Since you did the Anxiety Centre program with success, I'm thinking that you would probably 'enjoy' the one here too. I am on session three and already I am finding that it is very helpful for me. Your experience waiting to get therapy is just awful. It does at least sound as though your family doctor is good. I hope very much that your wait for therapy doesn't go on for too long. Again, welcome.. I hope that you find this place a help to you. Lydster

Hi Rowan, Thanks for taking the time to share your introduction here with us at The Depression Center. We hope that you find the site useful. We have a free online program here that is based on one of the most effective treatments available for depression: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). In this program we’ll teach you techniques to help you cope with stress, solve problems and manage relationships. However, our main goal for the next 16 sessions is to help you to learn how to understand and challenge your negative downward spirals. In the cognitive part of this program you’ll learn how to identify, understand, and challenge your negative thoughts. By examining your negative thoughts, you’ll learn to stop your negative downward spirals. In the behavior part of this program you’ll learn how to identify and challenge the behaviors that contribute to your negative downward spirals. You’ll learn to reduce problem behavior such as social withdrawal and increase positive behaviors such as doing things that make you feel good. You’ll also be in control of how you’re going to experiment with new behaviors. And finally, you’ll learn to do behavioral experiments in a step-by-step, structured, and systematic way that works for you. The advantage of CBT is that behavioral experiments are done slowly, in a step-by-step, structured, and systematic way. This will help you figure out what works for you and what doesn’t. However, the most important rule of this work is to try. In CBT you learn by trying. We look forward to hearing from you again soon. Work at your own pace through the program and please keep us posted on your progress. Casey __________________________________ The Depression Center Support Team

Hi everyone. I began doing the program on the anxietycenter website but after a few months I and my doctor noticed that since starting to take some medication (citalopram) along with the program my anxiety was retreating and what I was left with was the deep depression that had always gone along with it. I didn't realize that there was a program which could help with depression so when I found it I decided to come and read what it was all about. I just wanted to introduce myself before I started getting to grips with the depression programme. I am 25 years old and since I was around 16 years of age I have suffered periods of crippling anxiety and depression. I have had periods of being fine but to be honest these no longer happen to me, for the last 4 years I have led a very very small, sad life. I have no interest in things I used to enjoy and have to force myself to interact with other people. I feel constant guilt and worry about everything from what I eat to how much alcohol I drink and how much time I spend looking for a job. I have found it difficult to go out to work for the last 4 years and have been unemployed since August. I am actively seeking a job however I am terrified at the thought of going back into employment. I do not see the point in anything, from the littlest things like going to the supermarket to bothering to plan for the future. I feel that I will never have any children, that used to be one of my main ambitions in life, but I feel it would be totally unfair to bring children into the world when I am unable to function normally. I have a supportive boyfriend, friends and family but I feel so isolated and alone, I cannot explain to them that I don't see the point of life at all. I can go through the motions of living but I feel totally dead inside. I do not have room inside my head for any thing but negative thoughts and have realized that I have spent my whole life looking toward a day in the future when I'll be okay and normal and that day is probably never going to come. I am not in a great place right now! I feel so drained as if depression has robbed me of a huge chunk of my life. I have not enjoyed birthdays or special occasions for years, I am dreading christmas to the point it makes me sick and wish I could jus