Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry to hear your marital situation is so tough on you. I am glad you have found us here and are willing to try the program. Being here is really helping me deal with all of this.
Welcome to the group. I agree with you I also like the idea of a online group being that its hard for me to be close to people.
I to suffer with the problem of trying to be perfect and am quite hard on myself and others also I guess maybe. Anyway I like you am willing to try this approach I have nothing to lose and possibly a lot to gain in getting better and being happier. I'll put in a prayer for all of us. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
I am really sorry to hear that your marital relationship is at a point of stagnation. I hope you have other family and friends that are part of you social support network. There are times when we all need to lean on someone else.
I usually come across expressions that are couched in softer and defensive terms. These are very powerful and active expressions. These alude well to the feelings of inner anger and frustration waiting to explode extremely well. But do not describe the origins.
Why do do react with anger ? Why do you want people afraid of you ? Why do you want the distance ? How much is safe for you? And did the therapists invade this safe area without knowing?
And you know Dogberry,
the medication is something new to me! I was on Effexor from Nov 07. And last spring I started to cycle rapidly without knowing what was going on!!! I did not know I was BiPo... we thought i was MDD. so because i have food issues, weight problems, and a host of other brain chemical imbalances Here I am 1 year later still the guinne-pig on topiramate. Hoping to remain stable on more day. ( My father was BiPo when there were less choices and he was allergic to lithium! Oh the grief we lived through. I can appreciate the difficult situations.)
Thanks for the welcome. I don't know that being negative and irritable is always bad. I choose carefully who I let get close. There are a lot of bad people in the world that I've have to deal with. If they're scared of me already--perhaps they'll back off. Of course, this puts a shield between me and the world. It's just a world where we have to live that way.
As to the "chinese wall" between my wife and me. She's been pretty overt about what she wants (and doesn't want) out of the relationship. That leaves me very frustrated and angry, but there's nothing I can do but stuff the anger down inside and live with the situation.
I'm glad you've found some answers with medication. I wish you well. My own experience with family and bipolar/medication has been less positive.
You said you manage to hide your feeling from most people. Perhaps you have been hiding the love and affection you have as well... Being depressed means it is easy to be negative and irritable. It is a pattern many of us share. But somewhere, somehow you love this other person. You wanted to be with her and were able to set aside all the imperfections to be together. So has she flat out told you she is rejecting you? Or is this a leap of your string of logic...? because somewhere here she might be thinking she is at fault and is hiding so as to not burden you...
Hummm, lets see? She might be thinking. He is in so much pain and all I do is make it worse. I do something and it is always wrong. (these are errors in thinking you will find in the program...) He is secretive and tells me nothing, how can i guess what is going on?
Dogberry,
See what I am doing??? I am giving you some other ideas to explore. Some new idea to think about that are not quite so negative... Maybe even a place for you to be able to talk to your wife.
You came up with a very good question - change?- See I am bipolar, it is a mood disorder that I can manage. I can medicate and I can live with. I will not be cured. So, I will not change. I have changed how I deal with stress and how I see myself. I have changed certain patterns in my thinking. But essentially, I am still the basic person I was when I entered this lifetime. Only I am better equipped to deal with living now!
Thank you for sharing your story and support with us. There are many people within this support group that share the same questions and concerns as you. We are all a group of individuals who support each other.
This program involves the tools and resources aimed to help you understand this condition better, and to put in place thoughts and behaviours to help bring about the desired change. It is strongly recommended that you work through the sessions which involve CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). Although this requires work and effort, you will discover many things about yourself that will be instrumental in your journey towards health.
Members are always ready and willing to provide support and encouragement so please post as often as you need to.
Please continue to strive forward and lean on us for support.
I suppose I'm going to climb up on this treadmill again and try and feel better about what I am.
I've felt depressed for about forty years. I don't suppose a day of my adult life has passed that I haven't thought about ending the pain. I want desperately to change and feel better, but no one seems to be able to help. I've seen six different counsellors over the decades, but they failed. I'm reluctant to open that box of worms again, so I'd thought I'd try an online program. Again.
I manage to hide my feelings from most people. I manage to hold a job and take care of my family. My relationship with my wife is not very good. I'm very angry inside at how imperfect I am and how imperfect other people are. Even if I try and hide it, my wife senses how I feel and gets mad at me for what I am. She recoils from a physical relationship with anything as ugly and pathetic as me.
I really want to change what I am into something that's acceptable to myself and other people
