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for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thank you, Strength, for your support and concern.

I do not have to hurry this. Big potential decison here, one of the biggest I will ever make.

I have been (mis)leading my counsellor/psychotherapist to believe that everything is fine with me, really because I have had enough of therapy and I want to get 'signed off'. Perhaps I should take advantage of her being there to help and unload myself upon her.

If I am to be honest with my therapist, then a lot of the things I will say to her reflect no credit upon me at all. But I suppose she's not there to judge, is she?

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 217

Hi Pete,

You do sound quit confused, and this is some pretty heavy decisions you are dealing with. It is good that you are exploring your options and allowing yourself to reflect on things that you might otherwise push to the way side for sake of doing the "right" thing. Either way, it is important for you to find what makes you happy and pursue happiness. It may help to talk to someone about all of this. Perhaps even the people involved? I don't know, it's a toughie when it comes to that....

you don't want to say something permanent if you aren't sure... As you mentioned stabilize yourself and then reflect on a potential decision.

Know that you are not alone and we are here with you. Continue playing your guitar and writing music...it's a good outlet..

Your pal, strength

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks, Rebbie, for the support.

I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment, though to be honest I've been seeing therapists and counsellors for years now and I'm kind of sick of it. I am still 'together' enough to recognise that I am in an odd state at the moment emotionally and mentally and it's not the time to make big life decisions. Even though the impulse is very strong sometimes and there is a strong voice telling me that I'm not unbalanced now, but that I've at last woken up to myself, my true nature.

You're right, I have to hang in and stabilise again, and then look at my life in a balanced way. Because, of course, the situation is complicated in many ways. We have been together nearly thirty years, first sweethearts and all that stuff, so I have to look reasonably at why I feel I need to leave all that behind. At this moment I'm not capable of that so, yes, hang in there and do nothing rash.

I can't believe I'm in this sort of a state again. Two months ago I was smiling and content and felt that all was right with the world.

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 121

Pete: Are you talking to someone about all of this? Like a counselor, psychiatrist, clergy, etc? Seems like you could use some immediate feedback. Hang in there!!

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi again, Strength.

I'm all confused at the moment, that's the trouble. I feel as if, for my own continued survival, I need to take action in my life, to the extent of leaving my partner and family. But I don't trust my own feelings, can't judge whether I'm being hysterical or selfish , foolish or wise. If I do it, there will be hurt all round, but would that be short term and eventually for the best? I just don't know.

I'm a quiet, innocuous, inactive man and I just don't do dramatic things like this. But that doesn't mean I couldn't. I've already done things that would get me thrown out by my partner if she were to find out, things that anyone who knows me (not that many people do, and I think nobody really knows me) would consider totally out of character. And I don't know myself. Am I finally liberating the real me, or has the depression, the medication, the years of navel-gazing therapy, led to me being completely warped, adrift, with no me left?

As you can imagine, this constant internal wrangling is leaving me burnt-out, exhausted. And increasingly unsure of anything.

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 217

Hi Pete,

It is good to see you around. I know what you mean about wishing you didn't need the support anymore. For me it kind of ebbs and flows, certain weeks will be better than others. The good thing is that we have this place to come to if we need it. Keep in mind that coming here helps other people too.

It sounds like you have some major changes going on in your life as of late. We are here for you if you need to talk about it.

Major changes can be quite scary and cause lots of disruptance, I'd suggest referring to the program if you need it.

Anyway, keep us posted.

Strength

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks, good of you to welcome me back. I'd like to say it's nice to be back here, and in a way it is, though I wish I didn't need the support any more.

My rise out of the depression a few months back was not spectacular - I just slowly felt more normal, more capable. Similarly, the fall back into it has not been cataclysmic. I think when I started feeling better I took on too much mentally - found myself in a heightened and slightly false feeling emotional state all the time.

Without going into detail, I realised there are some major changes I need to make in my life. Changes which will impact on those nearest to me and will be ugly and stressful until they are resolved. Changes which can end decades of frustration and resentment and guilt on my part. My increased mental and emotional energy has unlocked all this, has made me feel potentially strong enough to take the necessary steps, but I'm still scared and not really hard enough to do what needs to be done. I think I've just burnt myself out with the frantic thinking and feeling that I've been doing, and the mental torpor and detachment of depression is acting as some kind of defence mechanism.

So I'm back here again, back in the old cycle.....

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 121

Hi, Pete. Again, welcome back. I think the majority of us will come back from time to time after we think we've licked this beast. I've had several setbacks and have come to believe that's all part of the process.

Anyway, good to hear from you again. I like your picture. Glad you kept it.

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 12049

Pete,

Welcome back! We are always here for you and we are also here to help. Look around and search messages for shared experiences and support.

Your perseverance is outstanding, we do know where you are coming from.

Josie, Health Educator

for 14 år siden 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hello. My name is Pete. I've been here before several times, but not for several months, so I thought I would say hi all over again. I thought I was out of this for good, felt like I was, but here it all comes again. Shame. Sometimes I wonder how many times I can pick myself up out of the hole and keep trying again. As many times as it takes, I suppose.

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