I'm not sure if I can put it into words, but I will try. I started smoking when I was 12; stole a pack a week from my Dad. When I started smoking, it was everywhere - grocery stores, restaurants, TV ads and billboards - accepted and really, PUSHED. We had bubblegum cigars and candy cigarettes...the hospitals allowed smoking by the staff AND THE PATIENTS. Anyway, my whole life was about smoking. Both parents smoked, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, everyone smoked. They smoked in the car (I shudder when I think of doing that to kids, now). And I smoked for 42 years. Last year when I went into depression, it was not really about quitting smoking so much as my life situation, but I've been battling depression most of my life, smoking or not, so I can't really say that quitting led to depression, just that I'd probably been self medicating with smoking, in an addict sort of way, for many years. I'm certain that quitting smoking was the last straw, but it was most definitely not the only straw. Addiction in and of itself accounts for a lot of straws, believe me.
I do know that when I went back to smoking, it DID NOTHING TO CHANGE THE DEPRESSION, and in fact, I felt worse about myself for not being "strong" enough and beat myself up mentally for "failing". I did get treatment, and having been on Wellbutrin for about 6 months, I felt better, and I started making some changes in my life for the better. I changed jobs to one that was not so focused on smoking for patients and staff, I started exercising and lost about 10 lbs (now gained back, alas), and I started being more assertive in all aspects of my life. And then I quit, again. I was ready.
This is something that quitters get accused of doing - changing. Yes, we do, we stop stuffing our emotions, we stop just taking things, and we speak up for ourselves. We never did that as smokers. Or perhaps I should say I never did, I obviously can't speak for all smokers. But I've seen enough threads with the same theme that I'm thinking a lot, if not all, quitters come to this stage.
Somewhere in this stage, I started to think about myself more positively; that I deserved good things, that I am worth more than being a nicotine addict, that I deserve better than whatever bad thing is happening at the moment. I started to LIKE myself. I don't think I have ever liked myself before. Standing up for myself really changed something inside of me. And it really changes your perception of quitting when you think that you deserve it rather than that you are giving something up. You really can make yourself miserable or happy, depending on your attitude toward your quit. But depression is separate and distinct from a positive attitude. Depression is much more than just attitude and does need treatment, whether from alternative treatments or traditional medicine. I would not be where I am today without some form of treatment. And I would not be able to have the positive attitude toward my quit without the positive changes in my attitude toward myself.
I do so hope this helps you, I do not feel you are nosy at all. I am happy to help, it's sort of "how I roll".
[IMG]http://i131.photobucket.com/albums/p300/DeeKaySss/EggGold.jpg[/IMG]
Hugs, Denise
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B]1/9/2008
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 88
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,760
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $440.00
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 10 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 36 [B]Seconds:[/B] 6