Mom - 3
yes it is your fault and of course you could have done better !!! it is the wish of EVERY PARENT on this planet.
Now the reality of being human...
You did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the moment! You had a wonderful little baby in your arms one day, many moons ago. And because of you, your husband, your parents and his parents, the schools - teachers, students, support staff, and friends, and the neighbours, and the TV and the Internet ... you have a young woman before you today that is very different. She has her thoughts and needs and desires. And she is old enough to satisfy them on her own.
that tooks months for me to understand...
The need for love, compassion, understanding and acceptance you are the only one to give. These are still the basic needs of your baby. The world's material aspects are for the woman to discover and aquire. And of course she will buck and resist you, all children do. It appears strange to us who have these model types of adult vs infant reactions but if you see it in the more Buddhist view of Ego there is a better understanding. She is in a temper tantrum and is an adult so you cannot punish her by sending her to her room ... But you have other parent tools. You can withhold your attention, and praise. You can nag and let her brood for a while. You can reward.
She is not a bad person. She is taking her own path. She cannot follow the road you paved, there are no life lessons there. And nothing is obvious! You are stuck between your daughter's strong reactions and the males in you life pushing you towards the role of solo-parent. You were not alone to bring this child in to the world ... invitro-fert still needs two cells! Each person needs to assume some responsibility including the choice of letting you raise her and the choice to involve the little girl in the adult's distintigate on their relationship. So will you let her take out her frustrations with the world on you or will you gentlly push her into her room to calm down and out more "civilized"?
Mom-3
never mind the past ... the I did, they did, we could haves... it is a lot of verb conjugations but not much comfort. If papa blames you for everything and has given up making an effort it is not an issue with you. it is his defeat and weeknesses that have come to the surface. You probably want your daughter to have the "and they lived happily ever after..." All Parents Do. You probably feel the shame? and disappointment? of Papa and want to fix everything for him. You have your own expectaations in the mix as well that don't follow the models of the rest of the family -because you are the Maman- so there is a lot of confusion.
So first thing. You. What do you really think? Is she a hopeless utter faileur that will end her days on the street ? No. You said she is able to work. She is not ambitious and wants to be well paid for doing nothing ... but we all expect that
You want her to know you love her. You want her to be more mature and moderate her unease with the world. You want her to show more effort in satisfying her own desires. You want her to respect the person you are and appreciate the extra care you are giving her.
You. Your husband has moved on to the last steps and is ready for "tough-love". are you? You do not have to be. Your desires and needs are your own and right now dep