Hi,

I've been on this site before, not for a few years though. I've suffered on and off with depression and anxiety my whole life I think. Sometimes it comes out of the blue and I really don't know why, most of the time it's due to circumstances beyond my control, but that I need to deal with and don't feel capable of dealing with. I've been on meds for about 20 years. I also have chronic bursitis in my hip, which has not responded to treatment, and gives me constant pain.

The last year has been the worst year of my life. Starting in January my Mom passed away I found out she had been sent to the hospital alone, with out my Dad while I was at work, and I had to get a quick flight there in the hopes of at least being with her, but I didn't make it there in time, and she died alone. Then while visiting my Dad, I took him to the doctor, and got confirmation that he has Dementia. He is now alone and living 5 hours away from any family or anyone to take care of him, on a lake in a rural area. My nephew has stage 4 cancer and is progressively getting worse. And work has exploded in a way that I did not foresee, and did not take steps to ensure we had bodies to handle the workload and I am a manager who is having a hard time managing myself and my own workload with all the changes, problems, issues etc. let alone manage anyone else. I know I need to hire someone, but I'm too busy to even think about taking time to find someone, or train them.

I don't want to go on stress leave, and I just want to feel "normal" so I can deal with all the things I have to deal with, but I walk around feeling hopeless, and I can't even smile. I have lost 30 lbs this year, I'm not sleeping much or eating much. I have no appetite whatsoever, and all I want to do is sleep, but it eludes me. It takes hours to fall asleep, even with medication, and then I don't stay asleep for long, wake up, tossing and turning until the alarm goes off. I lie there not wanting to get up and face the day ahead, until I finally force myself up, because I really have no choice. I have to work, I have no other means of support, and honestly in a way it distracts me from my life, except that work itself is so bad right now, I can't think straight, or concentrate, or even smile. People are asking what's wrong with me.

After Mom passed in Jan last year I started having major anxiety - waking up with my heart pounding out of my chest, and the tingling sensation, and feeling like I was going crazy. It's not a panic attack because those end after a bit, no this followed me all day for weeks. It seemed to be related to visits to my Dad's, which I had been doing once a month, for a few days at a time. I would be ok for a couple weeks, and then about a week before I go see my Dad the anxiety would start, and I'd be like that for a few weeks before it dissipated. Then I'd be ok until the next time I visit. I don't know why it hit at that time, except that his situation is not good, and it's hard when I see him that way. I've tried to talk to him about moving closer, or having someone come in to help him, but he thinks he's fine, and doesn't remember he has dementia. I call him every night to check on him, and it's hard because he doesn't have much to say, and doesn't remember much of anything, so conversation is really difficult. I feel so guilty - that I should be doing more for him, but I really don't know what to do. He wants to stay there, and he doesn't want help. I've tried to convince myself that this is his "right" as a human being, but my own fear of something "bad" happening to him just keeps me going around in circles. I can't seem to just accept it.

In the last month and a half, I think I've been more depressed than anxious. I'm just flat all the time. I can't even cry. I've not had any normal, or even near normal days in all that time, and I'm nearing the end of my rope. I've been seeing my doctor weekly, and trying to get in to see a phychiatrist to check my meds, as those clearly are not working,.but the soonest I could get in is 3 months from now. I've been going to see a counsellor weekly, and the only benefit I can see to that, is that I can vent without feeling guilty about spreading my negativity around. The downside is that it's costing me a fortune, and my benefits don't cover very much. My doctor wants me to get into group therapy, but it's during work hours, and I don't know how I would manage that with work being what it is, also they haven't called me to tell me when yet, so I wait.

I honestly feel like I'm waiting as my whole life falls apart around me, and I have no control over that happening. I can't feel better, if I could, I would. It feels like the medical system won't do anything unless you tell someone you are suicidal, and even if you do, you may or may not get any help.

I told my doctor this week, that I was near the end of my rope, and that I couldn't do this anymore. She started a new med, that is supposed to help me sleep, but I really haven't seen much improvement there. That's it, she says I'm sorry, but I can't do anything else for you.

I have way to many worries, and I don't know what to do about any of them. I need to get better, and now!

I thought I would check out what this site offers, and see if it might help. My doctor wants me to do CBT as she says it helps, but I've seen two counsellors that say they do it, but don't give me stuff to do.

Anyway, my hope is that this site will offer me some way to pull myself out of this pit of darkness and despair and get me back to normal.

That's my situation at the moment,

Laura