abandonned since the age of eight
the need to please people is so great
for fear of not being loved
and doubting the real meaning of love
mother, the emotional dragon
father, the abusing neglector
trying to please everyone around me
until the point where my body stopped me
leaving home at seventeen
living those wild and crazy dreams
letting it all go, having "fun"
in the end, all i have is one
one person i can trust
and i can't even trust her
seventeen years of hidden sadness
hiding it all with ecstatic gladness
doing everything for everyone
everyone except the one
solving everyone's problems
listening and showing compassion
then it was my turn to crash
into my deep depression
where are my friends now?
too busy, i guess, i've lost them all
no phone calls, no emails, no contact
i reach out with no answer and begin to fall
celibate for 8 years
fear of trust, always fear
i'm lonely and alone all of the time
this life i chose, is it really mine?
doctors, so many doctors
in 5 months, so far ten
meds after meds, and over 5 months
i've swallowed about 1500 of them
am i better, am i worse
am i numb, or just the reverse?
"you can count on me"
"you can call me night or day"
"i care about you so much"
"together we'll find a way"
lies, lies, lies
i risked to trust
and in my eyes
that trust turned to dust
now the 2 new doctors say:
"we'll never abandon you."
3 days later, no reply
from an S.O.S call i made as i cried
friends, family, doctors have all let me down
insisting that i trust them,
insisting that i call them,
congrats! be happy, you broke me down
now what do i do?
the appointment is tomorrow
pretend it doesn't matter
or show anger and sorrow?
how can i heal, with all of my fears
being realized?
being uncared for, and unloved
by my family, friends and peers
and now those 2 doctors are written in ink
on my list of people who refuse to hear
my sadness and fear where i feel i sink
from the shedding and shedding of thousands of tears
july 2, 2003
