What an awful, horrible, guilt-inducing week. It's times like these that I feel like a bad person, and that things will never get better. Two weeks ago I was at my psychiatrist's office and I complained of extreme exhaustion and my speech was slurred. He prescribed Provigil, a newer stimulant that is non-addictive. Between the two states (exhausted and energetic), I felt surprisingly good, even if I couldn't walk straight. Then I did what I continue to do, which is shoot myself in the foot. On Friday evening I went out and spent A LOT of money that I didn't have on cocaine. I am a very occasional user, and I think much of it has to do with the self destructive, dangerous aspects (going into the projects, fear of law enforcement, fear of assault). I then called out from my therapist's appointment on Saturday. I don't understand why I do this. I would like to blame some of it on the meds, since Provigil is to be used with caution with individuals who have abused cocaine or meth, but truth is, I've done it before. I was feeling so good, I don't get it. I'm starting to cry, I'm just never going to get better and it's my own fault.
Larry from above, I will try to answer some of your questions from above. Yes, I was easily working 80 to 100 or more hours a week, but at two jobs. Vacations make me very uncomfortable because things in my life need to be very ordered, and I do not enjoy spontaneity. I am an emergency medical technician, and there is very little room for advancement, but more so, I am growing very bored and frustrated because it really utilizes very little of one's intellect after a while. I wish I had done things better in my like, been something. Bipolar II means my highs are not as manic as those of Bipolar I. Like most of us, it is almost impossible for me to remember what not being depressed is when I am. Thank you for writing, Larry. What do you do for a living? You sound very upbeat compared to many of us on this message board.
